I need to talk about this. It's a stock photo. One that I wanted to download as soon as I saw it (I choose pictures based on feelings), but when I went to get it, the system kicked me out! And then I spent ten minutes finding it again because oh my god, do you even see that thing? IS THERE A MORE PERFECT PICTURE?

I pictured a leaf blower and an angry little dog.

I am pretty sure I got a yeast infection just from reading this.

I've got this awesome hippie Wiccan facebook friend, and she posted a link to an article about vaginal steaming the other day, and no lie, Facebook's top "suggested link" underneath my friend's post was a link to a food.com recipe for steamed clams.

Youths.

An open letter to anyone who will listen:

An open letter to my ex,

How to write an open letter to your ex: Be Alanis Morisette, put it in song form, never tell anyone who your ex is. Get real bitter with it!

It is worth noting that the man quoted above is 40 years old. One of the others is 39. Not really sure why he thought college girls were a workable strategy in this first place. I would have been extremely creeped out by a strange middle-aged man approaching me and giving me a ton of compliments and asking me weird…

I saw an interview he did once on a late night talk show where the host was kind of shocked that his kids hadn't seen most of his movies. He responded something to the effect of, "Well, it's not like I call them all into the living room whenever Tremors is on AMC." Have liked him ever since.

That's enough internet for today. I'm out. Good bye y'all, I'll remember you all in therapy.

You know, I'm honestly not surprised. None of us should be.

Holy crap, this leads to a horrifying thought.

I recently had an adult neighbor sprint to my house and pound on my door yelling for police help shortly after I got home from work one morning (I wear a police uniform home and people in the area know who I am so I assumed it was an emergency, got out of bed and answered in my jammies).

Turns out he was out and about…

What do you wanna know? Ramon is cool and I'm weird.

Holy shit, does that tongue have a ball gag?

I just wonder what they thought the 911 operator was going to do for them.

"They are living, breathing capital letters, walking around with Comic Sans souls and a visible weave."

$20 per dance is pretty standard - $1 for stage shows, $5 if you get some personal attention during a stage show. also be ready to spend $14 for a bottle of heineken, and $20-40 to walk in the door.