This is my go to for American gibberish english.

That’s not too far from the actual E.T. sequel that was never made.

My dog growing up would escape from our yard occasionally and the only way to catch her was by falling down and pretending to be injured, at which point she would sprint over to make sure I was OK, and I could snag her by the collar.

to ensure that only the finest quality walnut veneer is selected

I get this. My wife asked me to go out and mow, but I had to break to her that the lawn had placed me on administrative leave.

Nothin’ beats a good case of penis retraction panic.

how to communicate with people inside to make sure they aren’t in the line of fire.

My dad actually had to eat it as a kid. Thankfully he made my grandmother promise not to feed it to us when she watched us.

Don’t forget to make your kids eat the Vicks VapoRub when they have a cold. Smearing on the chest just doesn’t cut it.

I drove one of these when I was a kid. I made the mistake of turning off traction control and ended up crashing into a cotton candy stand.

When I was in kindergarten, some kids on the bus were talking about crazy, hilarious shit that happened in the Dukes of Hazard. Having never actually seen the show but wanting to participate, I blurted out, “Remember that one episode when police guy rolled over his car into a pool and somehow ended up hanging from the…

Nothing irks me more than these immigrants who come over here and then refuse to learn english.

Does it come with the Vise-Grip? If so, then NP. Those things can run upward of ten bucks on the plier black market. Just be sure to grind out the serial number before you use them for any murdery type stuff.

A 398 average but only a 421 OBP? This guy doesn’t draw enough walks for my taste.

Yeah. That’s when he started. He still partook in it occasionally up to the point he got false teeth.

My grandfather would pull off pieces of tar from newly made or freshly repaired roads and chew on them. It’s cheaper than gum. Can we add this for part two?

You can certainly get it tender and tasty, but it wont be medium rare and the texture will be totally different than if it were cooked sous vide. It will be more like stewed beef as opposed to something resembling prime rib.

I remember on an episode of The Apprentice, he was leaving his office and he told his secretary to, “hold my calls”, which is what you say when you enter your office and you don’t want to be bothered. But it sound like something a big boy businessman would say, so it’s good enough for Trump.

Close. He tripped a young girl taking her first steps after spinal surgery, shrieked, and then transformed into a flock of blackbirds. 

This explanation might make your choice easier. Kansas is the Kansas of the Midwest, whereas Duke is the Kansas of humanity.