Jesus! I saw Jim Nabors in the headline and thought it would be followed by “Accused of Groping Some Women”, or something like that. I’ve never been so relieved to find out someone was only dead. R.I.P.

I tried putting change into my cupholder once, but freaked out, and in my panic ran over an old lady. I wiped the gore off my bumper, and quickly put the change back in the change holder. NEVER AGAIN!

Hmmm? He does have the magnetic appeal and mustache of all time great politician Joseph Stalin.

You obviously haven’t seen The Polar Express. He plays a conductor who lures children onto a train with promises of candy and hot chocolate, and then delivers them to a child molester at the north pole. Since seeing this, I burst into tears any time I hear sleigh-bells. Absolutely chilling.

I was driving down a dark road one night, and in my periphery I saw an anteater in the woods, which is odd because I’m pretty sure there aren’t anteaters in Massachusetts. I pulled over freed a raccoon that had gotten its head stuck in a travel mug and was blindly walking in circles.

My grandmother actually played with the exact same rules as men. By the time my mother was in high school, they had changed to the 3v3x2 rules in order to protect the fragile female constitution. They were also only allowed to take 2 dribbles before they had to pick the ball up. The best scientist of the time had…

My Grandmother once scored the winning basket in a high school basketball game. The final score was 2-0. Either that or my Grandmother was a dirty liar.

That’s not how this works. I see ads for rum, Volkswagon, and a Star Wars video game. When I open this page again in a new tab, I see ads for rum, Pizza Hut, and Call of Duty.

I totally get it. It’s like how I’m actually a way better driver when I’m drunk and high. When I’m sober I’m a menace.

Man, that would have been so funny if his head had, like, popped off and then, after a slight delay, his lifeless corpse splashed to the ground in a pool off blood. If the salesman had really committed like that, he probably could have closed the deal.

My dad played against Lew Alcindor in high school. Spoiler alert... They did not win, although he claimed he blocked a sky hook (from behind).

They’re not attracted to headlights, but can be susceptible to spotlighting. You shine a bright light on a deer at night, and it will creepily stare back at you, unmoving. Most people think it’s because they’re hypnotized, but they’re actually trying to steal your soul. So if this happens to you while your driving at…

He’s also a wizard. The defender is closing in, and he somehow teleports the ball into the goal. Amazing! Although I have reservations about having someone of his ilk being allowed to play against muggles.

The same does not hold true for yellow crayons. Oh God, why did I invest sooo much in yellow crayons?

You’re halfway to a car with a cow catcher on the front. I say go all the way because... Well, I’m just sick of all these fucking cows.

Death by yak sex. My father went the same way.

It’s not so bad once you realized that the schools founders were just huge Billy Idol fans. It’s similar to how Florida State fans make a chopping motion while singing White Wedding.

Watch the movie Get Out. Racism comes in all sorts of flavors.

I agree that all Trump supporters aren’t racist. They’re just the type of people who support a man who says racist things, re-tweets obvious racist propaganda from white supremacist sites, and installs racist white supremacists into important Government positions.  These people who say all Trump supporters are…

He’s probably judging  the the entire movement based on the fact that rather than confronting the issues raised by the protests, it latches on to imagined disrespect for the flag or our troops.