I actually have Regulation Killed Poison Makers’ Jobs stuck in my head now. Somebody please record this. I’ll pay good money.

I’m not impressed. All you have to do to be good at this is face the other way.

You can’t buy them, so here’s what you gotta do. This is called the slime possum technique, and I’ve used it many a time to catch me a wolf. First, find a wolf den in a forested area. You’d think you could just wait for the wolves to leave and then waltz in and grab yourself a pup, but these fuckers are smart and…

I hope they bring back how easy they were to transform. Someone got a Bumblebee for my son a couple of years ago, and I think transforming it from robot to car was the hardest, most frustrating thing I’ve ever done. I fantasized for months about beating a hypothetical toy designer to death with a tire iron. I can…

I’m a huge proponent of vajazzling. Nowadays, if I’m presented with a vagina that can’t scratch glass, I send it away. 

I doesn’t always take much to to redirect a bullet with deadly results. I remember this case, where a boy was killed by a bullet that glanced off a suspended ceiling tile at a gun range.

I’ve been waiting for one of these to come on the market. If only this one had the oil drilling rig attachment. Without that, CP.

So how fast do you have to be going for this awesome wing to deploy?

“In order for you to learn what it’s like to take care of ten pound baby, each of you will be taking care of a ten pound baby”

Oh, come on. If he were having a stroke, he wouldn’t take the time to write covfefe.

The transformation is almost complete!

Your first gif cuts off before the tail deflation! Shame on you.

I made the mistake of watching Team America with my mother in law. She was complaining the entire time, mostly because celebrities she adores were being trashed (“Matt Damon doesn’t sound anything like that!”). When it came to this scene she sneered, “There’s no way a puppet could have that much vomit!”, one of the…

I knew about Brook, but I didn’t know he was one of a triplet.

I think that was a Wii tennis move.

You would crash the plane! That seems a little extreme.

Hey, remember when baseball players were big enough stars that an affair was front page news? I do. And so does Wade Boggs. 

I tried the V8 thing with my engine. It’s bullshit. Didn’t work at all. It ran for like a minute, probably on the gas that was left in the fuel line, and then petered out. I’m going to give Clamato a try and see if that’s any better. I can’t find the premium octopus tomato juice stuff that’s supposed to prevents…

A Red Sox existential crisis? Hopfully this will lead to Wade Boggs finally accepting Jesus Christ as his savior and we can finally put all this Margo Adams nonsense to bed. He’s still on the Red Sox, right?

If he takes after his grandma, I’m pretty sure her cause of death was an cerebral aneurysm.