The fact that you put “scientists” in quotes makes me think you don’t genuinely have an interest in understanding evolution. Let’s see.

I used to like Griffin before he soled out.

Woops. I was beaten to the punch.

And now, I present to you a teaser from my new documentary The Inner Turmoil of Brooks Marlow.

R.I.P. dude. Let’s now think of happier times in your career.

These things happen. It’s called being a die hard fan. And in the case of little Johnny Flemkins, it’s called being a die hard fan come hell or high water.

I’m assuming “Necro” is short for Necrophiliac Stormfront anus breather? Am I correct?

I think that red striped blanket lady is wearing her “I can’t believe my wasteyute hoser boyfriend is gonna get me thrown out of here” face.

Yeah, these league doctors are a joke! When I was with the Chargers, I went to see Dr. David Chao for a case of pink eye. I thought it was weird that they were giving me general anesthesia, but I thought, hey, California. When I woke up I found out he had amputated my right leg, realized his mistake, and reattached…

Lady! As if God could be a mere woman. Are you going to try and tell me Jesus wasn’t blue eyed and fair skinned next?

Arnold Palmer leaves behind his wife Thelma, six children, 28 grandchildren, probably a pet or two, and a prescription to Xarelto which apparently doesn’t do shit.

Do not taunt 2016. He is a thin-skinned and cruel year, and there are still 3+ months yet.

It’s a similar story for me, except I learned English by listening to my mom talk. I remember hearing her say things as she changed my diaper like, “Oh, sweet Jesus” and “Why did I have you?”. Curiously, The look of hatred and obvious disgust on her face disgust made her THE ONLY PERSON I could understand. It was as…

They can just add the new star to the “made in China” tag.

It won’t embed, but here’s what I thought of.

Kristian Nairn... Wait. Do I have the wrong kind if bear?

Kid number one was a don’t look at me type. Kid number two would sing gibberish when he pooped. I guess what I’m saying is that I want to see a pitcher get a batter out and then taunt him by singing gibberish. Dittoo bappa doo ba dittoo bappa doo cow.

They really should be using the stringy pumpkin innards for the hair.

She also said she’d like to show us how to weave colorful Easter baskets using nothing but Donald Trumps hair.