To be completely fair and balanced, I left my Galaxy Note 7 with some Russian Men with Chairs, and it didn’t survive either. I almost bought a case for it, but then I was like, what are the chances I leave my phone with some Russian Men with Chairs? Rookie mistake.

I used to work at Amazon, and one day I called Jeff Bezos “Jeff Bezos”, and he was like, “YOU DON’T GET TO CALL ME THAT! YOU CALL ME SHRIMPDICK!”. So i was like, “Sorry Shrimpdick”, and he was like, “fukin’ A”... What I’m getting at is that it really is something special to be allowed to cal Jeff Bezos “Jeff Bezos”.

It was too risky. The straight path to the locker room cuts directly through a day care.

Nope. I read it in Science Journal Biannual Weekly, where they determined that the reason these bird can’t fly is, and I quote, “Failure to apply oneself. AKA: Lazy as shits disease.”

You just have to go full feather and what that implies. Flying fucking T-Rex. And don’t come at me with this “but ostriches and kiwis can’t fly and they have feathers” bullshit. They can fly. They’re just lazy.

Needling? It’s called acupuncture. Although, I don’t understand why Cruz and Jenkins are doing it to Norman. Maybe their plan is to placebo him to death.

I’ve got a mix of All Clad and Cuisinart. Both are similar quality, but there is one place the Cuisinart crushes the All Clad. The handles. The All Clad handles fucking hurt. Every time I pick up the All Clad 12 Inch pan I feel this rage build. I want to drive to the All Clad headquarters and beat to death whoever…

I’ve got a mix of All Clad and Cuisinart. Both are similar quality, but there is one place the Cuisinart crushes the…

So because you never saw this happen then it never does?

First of all, if someone explains to you how systemic racism towards black people works, the proper response is not “Oh yeah, well what about black people being racist towards whites.”

If you’re an atheist where nobody really gives a fuck, then I would agree. But that’s not how the real world works. I was a closeted atheist in a religious community who’s school system had replaced their illegal morning prayer with a moment of silent meditation. The reality was that you better damn well look like…

OSIRISREx would be a good name for the asteroid that did in the dinosaurs.

Imagine how many lives could have been saved if mattresses had been piled up around the twin towers on 9/11. WHERE WERE THESE PEOPLE THEN!

The shots of the car just show how unnecessary that whole Blackbird thing is.

Sirhan Sirhan is the scientific name of the Assassin Snail.

Caillou is terrible, but my brain can mostly tune it out when it’s on. The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is psychological torture.

I wan’t him to go with the terrible Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme song. And before he puts a submission move on someone he should yell to no one in particular “Oh Toodles!” That way I will have finally gotten some ounce of pleasure out of the show who’s cable description reads “Like Dora, but way shitier”.

When I die, I want to go by way of computer console explosion.

“I have no idea how that limited edition Boba Fett statuette got there.”

I read The Great Singapore Penis Panic like everyone else.

I know. And when they showed the first black person in the video, and then you hear a black person singing in the background. Blew. Me. Away.