And now, I present to you a teaser from my new documentary The Inner Turmoil of Brooks Marlow.

R.I.P. dude. Let’s now think of happier times in your career.

These things happen. It’s called being a die hard fan. And in the case of little Johnny Flemkins, it’s called being a die hard fan come hell or high water.

I think that red striped blanket lady is wearing her “I can’t believe my wasteyute hoser boyfriend is gonna get me thrown out of here” face.

Yeah, these league doctors are a joke! When I was with the Chargers, I went to see Dr. David Chao for a case of pink eye. I thought it was weird that they were giving me general anesthesia, but I thought, hey, California. When I woke up I found out he had amputated my right leg, realized his mistake, and reattached…

Lady! As if God could be a mere woman. Are you going to try and tell me Jesus wasn’t blue eyed and fair skinned next?

Arnold Palmer leaves behind his wife Thelma, six children, 28 grandchildren, probably a pet or two, and a prescription to Xarelto which apparently doesn’t do shit.

Do not taunt 2016. He is a thin-skinned and cruel year, and there are still 3+ months yet.

It’s a similar story for me, except I learned English by listening to my mom talk. I remember hearing her say things as she changed my diaper like, “Oh, sweet Jesus” and “Why did I have you?”. Curiously, The look of hatred and obvious disgust on her face disgust made her THE ONLY PERSON I could understand. It was as…

Kristian Nairn... Wait. Do I have the wrong kind if bear?

Kid number one was a don’t look at me type. Kid number two would sing gibberish when he pooped. I guess what I’m saying is that I want to see a pitcher get a batter out and then taunt him by singing gibberish. Dittoo bappa doo ba dittoo bappa doo cow.

She also said she’d like to show us how to weave colorful Easter baskets using nothing but Donald Trumps hair.

It was too risky. The straight path to the locker room cuts directly through a day care.

Nope. I read it in Science Journal Biannual Weekly, where they determined that the reason these bird can’t fly is, and I quote, “Failure to apply oneself. AKA: Lazy as shits disease.”

You just have to go full feather and what that implies. Flying fucking T-Rex. And don’t come at me with this “but ostriches and kiwis can’t fly and they have feathers” bullshit. They can fly. They’re just lazy.

Needling? It’s called acupuncture. Although, I don’t understand why Cruz and Jenkins are doing it to Norman. Maybe their plan is to placebo him to death.

I’ve got a mix of All Clad and Cuisinart. Both are similar quality, but there is one place the Cuisinart crushes the All Clad. The handles. The All Clad handles fucking hurt. Every time I pick up the All Clad 12 Inch pan I feel this rage build. I want to drive to the All Clad headquarters and beat to death whoever…

I’ve got a mix of All Clad and Cuisinart. Both are similar quality, but there is one place the Cuisinart crushes the…

So because you never saw this happen then it never does?

First of all, if someone explains to you how systemic racism towards black people works, the proper response is not “Oh yeah, well what about black people being racist towards whites.”