I was going to say that it’s the thickness of the building that counts, not the height.

While I was watching it, I think I saw a thought bubble pop up that said “What if we attached the steering wheel the roof of the car? No, Hear me out.”

Get that man to the diving venue!

Can I please post a comment on that Tom Scocca story from last night? Please!!! Also, American cheese on pancakes is delicious.

Actually, they did go around it. It just turned out to be one of those pesky homing icebergs. I can’t wrap my head around why they ever invented those things.

Hey buddy, I was just making the worlds oldest yellow light joke. But how do you know so much about machine vision? Could it be that you’re a machine? Are you planning to take over the world with your fancy machine vision? Well, now I know your weakness. Color.

And it’s so simple too. If it’s red, stop. If it’s green, go. If it’s yellow, floor it.

I heard that Walt Disney himself hacked all those Teslas to make them drive off that cliff.

So this women is cool with the fact that he keeps second graders chained in his basement in order to write his scripts? Or has she not gone down there yet?

In my part of the country, a zipper merge is when one person takes the male part of their jeans zipper and inserts it female part of their partners zipper while their partner does the same with their own zipper. Both people count to three, pull up at the same time, and, if they did it right, both people are safely…

The first thing I tell a redhead upon meeting her is that I am definitely, 100%, not thinking about her pubes. The second thing I tell her is that I am not Scott Baio. This tends to put her at ease, and we are then able to consummate the preliminary flirting ritual without awkwardness. I am a gentleman.

I watched the CBC coverage of the medal ceremony, but they kept insisting that it was Ryan Lochte up on the podium, not Simone Manuel.

Jesus. These Olympics have made me teary-eyed more often than all the other Olympics I’ve watched combined. Are they actually better, or is this what getting old does? Do I just have to accept that I’m a crier now? Earlier in the year, this stupid video even made me cry. The whole thing makes me cry. But then at the…

I’m always on theme. In fact, In the sequel I wrote, Charlie Brown enters a raft race and goes over a waterfall because some punks flipped a sign around. Poor Charlie is washed out to sea and eventually washes up on the shores of France where he’s taken in by a kindly rich family. Charlie then begins playing with…

My fear is that they’ll make almost the perfect truck for me, but they’ll pull another falcon door by adding one stupid, unnecessary, feature that cripples functionality. Like a one piece, see through, panoramic, glass bed.

When I was in kindergarten I wrote my first book. It was about Charlie Brown. On one page, there were two boys making fun Charlie. On the next page was little Charlie Brown, arms raised in defiance, yelling back at the boys, “YOU FAGGOTS!!!”.

Can you really blame them? Cynthia is smokin’ hot.

I’ve opted to forgo wearing a helmet altogether. Instead, I’ve got Takeji Harada brand silicon implants under my scalp. As a bonus I’m now six inches taller.

Nothing irks me more than when genitals don’t line up in movie sex scenes. Seeing a man making love to a woman bellybutton really takes me out of the moment.

No need. he was killed by a snowplow that ran a red light on the very next event. That’s why I’m not ranked 173 in the world.