I think they should go for confusing. Maybe the Las Vegas Atlantic Cities. If they do go with some kind hawk, they really need to up the raptor factor to something like FalconEagleHawks.

I installed one of the button type handles on my car. Only it doesn’t open the door. It just rings a bell, which summons my butler. Then he opens the door for me. It’s all very civilized.

And before anyone questions my credentials, I’m currently ranked number 172 in the world in the sport of aerial skijoring. That’s totally me in this picture. I would have been way higher in the air, but I had lost all my momentum when that light behind me had turned red. They really planned the route poorly that…

I get the general policy. As a professional athlete, nothing motivates me and boosts my self esteem more than having people forced to cheer for me. Sincere applause just doesn’t cut it. It’s hard to explain to non-professional athletes.

I always turn to the lady and say “That was some grade A sex”, even if in reality it was only grade B or C sex. It’s called being a gentleman.

I don’t believe you. That sounds like something a dirty centaur would say.

Don’t worry. Check away. It’s all 100% true. I should know. I did my beekeeping dissertation on King Louis the Something and wrote the award winning book Rivers of India other than the Ganges and Indus and their Effect on Medieval European Gentry.

How many people do you have to piss off to get stuck with the job of pants holding counterweight?

So basically this is the snake version of Over the Top. Is there any word on whether one of the snakes was fighting for a new truck and the respect of his son?

Man, I love fencing. It’s the only hobby that allows me to transition to how I make a living (beekeeping) without a wardrobe change.

Are those the horses Devo rides?

I’m fine with this as long as the wardrobe malfunctions don’t start to look like scrambled porn.

Of course it’s serious, and it works to boot. Another tip is to have the wheels on your car removed to reduce unsprung weight. This, along with the addition of a fuelshark, has my hummer getting nearly 185 MPG. And that’s without the addition of larger rear wheels (which I’m avoiding due to the tendency to spill the…

How can you tell that’s a Mustang with that black cover on the front? It could be anything. My guess is that it’s a 1992 Chevy Lumina minivan.

I hated choose your own adventure books. So predictable. They all ended the same way; with me accidentally turning to the wrong page, being completely confused, unable to remember the page I came from.

Is this how a fucking boat works? I believe this boat is fucking a Toyota Tundra. How exactly does this act affect swimming speed?

Well, it was a stretch on my part, but I had to do it. I’ve been waiting twelve long years for someone to crash into a Starbucks just so I could shoehorn that joke in. So much of my life wasted. Perhaps I’ll finally be able to sleep soundly.

I honestly don’t know much about them, except that they’re permanently attached to some kind of beast that requires food. If I had to describe the beast, I’d say it looks almost exactly like a horse. The buggies are piloted by People called the Amish... or was it the Mennontights? One of those two. Very little is…

Ha, Looks like I changed my joke after you replied, so your comment makes no sense. I don’t have a clue what their relationship is like now, but I definitely recall young Prince running around on the field before games. I also remember, and I’m not 100% on this, Prince Fielder chasing down Lou Whitaker’s son with a…

You may call me old fashioned, but isn’t this behavior what the prie dieu was invented to facilitate?