That is an amazing Preparation H® impression that Reggie Bell is doing in the header image.

And it will be my lover, not my... wait. I don’t think I understand how this “applying lyrics to cars” joke works.

Oh, come on. You could have easily gone with all “F” sounds but you quit after just three words? Here you go.

This is getting out of hand. Maybe they should consider adding restrictor plates to the athletes mouths.

Too much CGI.

I’d like to see more car videos take the Vince Gilligan approach. Imagine a Pontiac Aztek setting the world record for toilets jumped filmed from inside one of the toilets.

For the record, They don’t like being called “horse people”. Centaur is the preferred nomenclature.

Why don’t they improve aerodynamic by attaching an inflatable, full sized, tractor trailer shaped hood ornament to the front of the car? It’s like these people never heard of self drafting.

-Where’s that cup I was using as a spittoon?

I put a bowl of human blood in a pit in the middle of my sheep pastures. I’ve caught 6 Mustangs already this month. I have an endless supply of parts, and all the asshole revving emanating from the pit keeps predators at bay.

I think Neons were made of titanium alloy carbon fiber kevlar graphene aerogel composite... I think.

There’s a bit of that kind of aspiration in us all.

So does this go on the books as a net loss, or a net gain?

Uuuugh. This dude again? This is the man who beat me out in the invisible bar chin-up world championship last year. And he looked so nonchalant as he did it. I hate this guy. If he out-duels me in the luscious armpit hair championship this September, I will seriously need to consider not entering so many made up…

This reminds me of that time in the 2004 Olympics when a clearly confused Mandy Patinkin ran onto the field during the baseball gold medal game and murdered Antonio Alfonseca.

“Now you will pay for giving us 4 goddamn Alvin and the Chipmunks movies!”

This is why I keep all my money inside my mattress.

I remember the rush of being a 12 year old able to prove he was 25. Low-res cartoon breasts are still breasts.

Spencer’s was the store my mother wouldn’t let me go in, but when I was able to get to the mall by myself, it was on. Back scratchers shaped like a lady’s breast on me!

He can take solace in the fact that he’s not the Dale that had the worst day. Poor Dale.