Here’s a practice quiz for contestant candidates to take.

I can’t believe I screwed up the title of the movie... /shame

...so.... you happen to either own a carpet store, a pig farm or a backhoe? My closet is getting kinda crowded.

Mnuchin kabobs or Mnuchin pot pie?

Murdering hookers isn’t terribly difficult, it’s disposing the bodies that can get tricky. My pro-tip is to make friends with a carpet store owner. If you’ve watched Snatched, then you probably also know that you should be wary of any man who owns a pig farm.

What? No Godfather reference?

Ever look at an old mattress and notice the blood, puke, sweat and dirt stains on them? Ever wonder what was going on and what happened to create those stains? Then ever wonder, “wait a minute, what if I’m looking at it wrong?” and turn the mattress around so that you would lay your head where you thought the feet…

Or Barbra Streisand

...and none of it will make a bit of difference to Republicans.

Hire an assistant. You’ll appreciate the personal touch.

During the 2004 hurricane season, I was without power for 10 days. By day 3 you start drinking the warm beer to keep from killing your neighbors.

No. If Puerto Rico was part of the United States, it would have a proper english name like Florida, Colorado or Montana.

Accidental honesty is the only honesty there is in politics.

Nothing a splash of paint and some curtains couldn’t fix.

I’m recovering from the hangover from the drinking prompted by yesterday’s shitty news cycle. I’m not going to survive the next few years.

Accountancy is my game. I live the 5-9 life of risk aversion, starched collars, constricting veins, and slowed blood flow to the brain. Coincidentally, I had a new client a few months ago by the name of Dr. Malik who was converting large sums of money into hemp script and a private submarine enterprise. He spoke…

Robert Anton Wilson and/or Robert Shea.... is that you?

In Alabama? Holy shit! That’s crazy! How come this hasn’t been more widely reported on?

So that’s why I find tomahawks and throwing stars embedded in my fence and telephone poles in my neighborhood on saturday mornings... clearly the reds and the yellows are mixing it up in street gang warfare.

Statues =/= history. There has never been a history teacher that instructed his or her students that in order to learn history they should go look at statues.