I’m just concerned that a sentient badger might edge me out.

TR got shot and finished his speech! Trump had a conniption every time someone held up a sign he didn’t like.

Just hold everything at the Angels’ ballpark and call it the Los Angeles Olympics of Anaheim.

Hey, if I’m one of the last three living humans, there’s a chance I could medal in something!

Maybe we should take another look at that whole heliocentric solar system model. What did Galileo and Copernicus really know? Seems like a conspiracy to me.

This is a nation that believes in snake oil salesmen. Dr Oz is a thing. Steve Jobs tried alternative treatments before traditional medicine. Millions of people would literally rather die than believe in science.

Can’t I? Pretty please? Make me forget ...

Listen Fred, you have the freedom to worship Jesus Christ as the King James Bible (new Trump edition) dictates. If you don’t love freedom then I don’t know what to tell you.

“Welcome to this nationally televised debate on ... climate change [sad trombone, canned laughter plays] between two noted climate scientists!

I think I knew that but forgot. That makes perfect sense.

The day Trump came down that damn escalator? Or maybe it was when all the news networks decided to treat his birther nonsense like it was a legitimate story.

I hear Omicron Persei 8 is a well-run planet.

Y’know, that movie was quite bad, but still not quite as bad as I expected. When you expect abject failure and find just typical-grade incompetence, it can make you strangely forgiving of a movie’s flaws. I thought I would despise every minute of it, but I only despised 80% of it.

Trump’s statement wasn’t written down, maybe he meant that Junior is a “high quality-person.” As in, he’s always stoned when he does quality control.

Clearly I’ve been hanging out with the wrong babies.

Theodore Roosevelt on his troublesome daughter:

I averaged it out among all the various dipshits. Trump, for instance, yearns overtly for the 1950s, while Sessions obviously pines for the days when the Jim Crow laws were newly passed. Mike Pence seems to think he’s currently living in the 1950s, so it’s anyone’s guess what decade he’s aiming for.

I like how you compare the Trump administration to baby poop, the most foul-smelling substance in all of creation.

Where can I get a new America please this one is all used up?

Or just give up and move away.