Except for your bad take on Cool Ranch Doritos, I'll miss your words. Good luck in your new endeavor!

I wish these stories would stop saying the bartender knows who’s next because they don’t, especially if the bar is even just somewhat busy.

Isn't there a statue of Ray Lewis in Baltimore?

Or when they wave you through the stop sign and then turn in your direction of travel. Now they have to pass you.

Is body shaming back in style?

Become a regular and tip well, freebies will soon follow. 

How do people manage to stay awake at his pressers?

If there was a line about earnings being split evenly by owners and staff I’d be right there with ya.

Next thing you know some idiot is going to proclaim Cool Ranch Doritos are better than Nacho Cheese Doritos.

It works. My small city had a pigeon problem until some raptors started nesting here. Haven't seen a pigeon in years.

Does this mean Chinese take out is going to switch to breast? The horror.

You do realize the sides of the roll are always exposed, right? Of course you did.

Why would anyone put something on their face that's mere inches from where other people shit?

Using the phrase speak when spoken to is being a dick.

Soccer is fucking boring to watch, who gives a shit? The amount of comments on Deadspin about it should tell you how much no one cares.

Maggots. Obviously.

Refrigerators are a much better place to store meat than a bed.

That may be somewhat of an exaggeration but it’s not worth standing in line for. It's pretty much blah.

Runners are the worst by far. They run down the middle of the trail with their earbuds in completely oblivious to anyone around them. It’s really fun when one of the dipshits makes a U turn while you’re trying to go around them.

I was thinking the opposite, how can I get it to tell me adult stories. Haha