My story is an old school, pre-internet, drunk revenge purchase. Some friends and I made it back to my place wasted to watch Mtv (it was the greatest of years, 1984). I went upstairs to go to the bathroom but never came back. I had passed out in bed. After a while my friends came up to make sure I wasn’t dead or…

I’m fairly certain the first guy to publish a scouting report on Andrew Luck was Gary Gygax.

Daniel Tosh is worse at comedy than Andy Dalton is at playing QB.

Show up to the bar in a school bus full of firearms and see if the owner changes his tune.

You’ll feel like an asshole for complaining when he gets back with those cigarettes and milk. Any day now, man.

This is creepy, because my dad used to take me to do all of the above things as a kid … except his office was a garage filled with old mail that smelled like metal and long-expired Snap-On Tools calendars with unclad women sporting hairstyles that were probably out of date when the calendars were new.

Maybe they should have sent the team from Regularsizednesia.

I don't understand the Dave Grohl hate. I have a friend that hates Grohl, Foo Fighters etc.... but thinks Nickleback is good music. That right there should invalidate his opinion entirely.

What’s next?

“Sweet, Peyton’s on his way out the door. It’s my time to shine!”

“Can you take a 10 million dollar pay cut?” “Hell no.” “Ahem (blows pitch pipe, sings tune to insurance jingle) ♪ TAKE THIS FUCKING PAY CUT NOW ♪ “

You’ve posted this twice.

I’d rather watch the women’s world cup. Worst case scenario: you know you’ll only be bored for two hours with soccer.

“Largely” conducted by people? Is there a NASCAR-driving giraffe I don’t know about?

I thought we got rid of that Kony asshole back in 2012.

What is the Deadspin stance on

The saddest banner in the building is Jim Irsay’s Certificate of Sobriety from Promises.

Listen Sophia, you’ll get my standard wedding gift and like it: a $10 gift card to the Sizzler.