“Hello, I’m Todd Dominos, the CEO of Dominos Pizza. We’ve heard your criticism loud and clear, and we are not meeting your standards. Six years ago we tried improving the quality of our pizza, but we still didn’t earn back your trust. That is why each delivery person is now a certified bounty hunter. Not only do we…

This was my crackpot theory years ago. Give it back.

I’ll do you one better: I spontaneously grew a vagina just so it could slam shut.

I want to hate the cozy upstate retreat, but I have to give props to the person who dictates that not only her husband shall cook for her, but she also gets to pick the menu and he’ll be somehow surprised by this. Like, imagine that conversation for a moment. “Surprise, honey! You’re cooking something you don’t know…

Because of Sarah McLachlan I have adopted over 300 dogs and cats. Every time a commercial comes on I drop everything and adopt the first animal I see. My life is in ruins. Please help. Someone adopt me. Donate to The Society for the Protection of Puttputtbutt From Sad SPCA Commercials Association today!

As soon as I hear Sarah McLachlan music I have to change the channel. Otherwise TEARS GALORE.

As a food scientist, I can tell you that sex is extremely important in food preparation. It’s not a matter of gender; it’s entirely biological. A few science facts:

I *have* lived with a roommate, and when she brought home some rando to sleep in our dorm I was LIVID. I've said it before, but it is absolutely unsafe and selfish to bring home a complete stranger to sleep in a space you share with another woman, especially if it's a man. I continue to be confused how authors and…

That’s some derptacular herping right there.

Literally this

The third trimester as a whole is a fucking miserable experience. At the end of my first pregnancy I couldn’t feel my hands due to intense swelling and nerve compression, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, was as heavy as a cow and was always horny af (not fun). When I was 35 weeks along in my second pregnancy I waltzed…

Hi! I’m currently being driven up the side of the Rockies by my FIL. We just saw Joy, avoid avoid. Terrible. Three more days in the cabin w my in laws and my SIL and her ex girlfriend. They broke up before the trip and still came. Lots of bickering. I am drunk. It's 12 degrees here and 7 at our destination halfway up…

Yay! My kiddo hasn’t been really trying (she’s in retail, working her heine off to open a new store and forgot her birth control (?!) NOT like her, and HAPPY JOY JOY! Her pretty super husband is over the moon (I CANNOT believe those words came out of my fingers :)) Also my other daughter is 6 months along and we are…

OUR DAUGHTER IS PREGNANT!!!We are all so happy we could burst! Our present was a sonogram picture! Best Christmas ever in the history of Christmases! Best wishes to all!

Husband is finally getting around to making the damn ham—of course he didn’t notice until 3 pm that it’s supposed to sit out for two hours to come to room temperature—so our dinner will be late. Oh well, more candy eating time.

I am alone this Christmas. My husband has filed for divorce. On 9/28 everything was aces, 10/6 he picked a fight and left. He won't talk to me. We've had issues for a while, but I never thought he'd leave after 19 years together - without a word. I've been mostly okay today. I did laundry and ate some good food, but…

Ok guys, I posted this already on another thread, but I think we all need this as an icing on our Christmas cake. Behold:

Okay, I gotta vent: My grandmother has Muncheusen and incapable of going one holiday without trying to destroy it or guilt my father to death. She’s been leaving messages on my parents answering machine complaining of everything from trouble breathing to dry mouth (she makes herself hyperventilate and dehydrates…