This is possibly the dumbest thing I have read today.

Fact-check: Yep.

Crap. It just dawned on me that I first met all of my black friends at a 7-11.

*Furiously dials Mom's number*

I mean if you two CRAZY kids can't make it, what chance do any of us have?

Am I alone in thinking this sounds like "Everything is Awesome" from The Lego Movie?

The problem is she's forgetting her audience, her tweenage audience who is screaming for more songs about poverty, injustice, and I can't even.

That was my very first thought. Why would a corporation want to do such a thing? Oh, because it could benefit them in the long-run. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the benefit to women far outweighs whatever the corporate intentions are.

Redact

Maybe it's an experiment to see how an animal handles grief. Every day they tell Koko a new depressing fact:

Betty White is the only living Golden Girl

This article surpassed my expectations of you.

Boy Patton Oswalt really gave it to Assclit.

Ice Cube did it better.

I'm a dude and I've never been in a fight. In fact, I was almost in a fight until another dude stepped in to fight for me. I guess I'm not the one you want around when shit goes south. You also don't want me having access to weapons.

You're essentially saying if more people had guns we'd be safer. I'm not going to argue that one way or the other. I'm asking how would having a gun made this particular situation any better. Also, I'm pretty sure the drunk dude was not in his right mind to think about getting shot.

I understand your reaction but how would a gun in this situation make it any better?

They are eating at Portland's Salt and Straw which to ice cream aficionados is pretty much the top of the mountain. It's typical to see lines out of the door at this place.

I'm sorry but an erection that won't go down still won't get me to jog.

My wife was watching some GMA quiz about having kids vs not. She says to me, "do you think you are happier for having children?" I answered in a question, "I feel like I'm supposed to say . . . yes?"

You lost me at "I've never seen Frozen."

I hope the inscription was in Elvish.

In honor of Bono, the App should be named Sunday, Bloody Sunday.