I was good at masturbating.

My grandmother flew on Nixon era Air Force One and got a deck of presidential playing cards with his name on the box.

Agreed, I used to enjoy sitting in the low light and writing songs on my iPad. It was very relaxing.

The best is when the pre-movie ads are finally done...only to immediately see a “here’s everything you were just forced to watch over the last twenty minutes” recap right after.

I barely get to the movies as is. The fact that they’re expensive, and require a babysitter, and have 20 pre-show ads that elicit audible sighs from the audience

Worst Place to Urinate Outside:

“Hes kinda funny lookin’”

I think the article makes it clear he was operating an automobile, not a watercraft.

I’d say his mood is pretty understandable if he went face first into the airbags

Ahh yes, the Texas Two-Step.

Well, its 9:30 am in Texas so he’s probably dragging his girfriend by the hair into a ditch where he repeatedly will shoot her in an Oxy and Jim Beam fueled rage.

Meanwhile, the Browns are looking to find “the current Johnny Manziel.”

So im guessing her wardrobe will mainly be black.

Luckily I was there in my ambulance to provide treatment.

This same sentence can also be found in the marginal notes in Hitler’s copy of the Torah.

I’ll admit the original movie was fun and charming, but seeing 63 year-old Reubens still parading as Pee-Wee Herman is unsettling.

This is MLB.

I wish you the best of luck at a good job away from Gawker media. I hope all the Jezebel writers remain unemployed.

Kells would never do such a thing to someone of that age. Be fair, man.

No mention of the serial van raping? Didnt come up...?