The craziest thing I have ever seen was when I was bartending at a strip club. Guy comes in and he's weird. Tries to hit on every person lacking a y chromosome including myself. Anyway, he starts harassing one of the dancers. She is a quiet, sweet woman that just so happens to be wearing thigh high boots that night.…

Should I talk about the time my mother accidentally burnt a restaurant down?

My carrot baby's name is "Earth." Look her in the eye and tell her her life means nothing, you murderer.

"I'm sorry if the analogy offends anyone. I don't believe it's offensive"

omg my mind is so changed

I only eat the dead skin cells that my body sheds. I'm a level 7 megan and the rest of you are all doing it wrong. .....Bastards.

What is happening here? This is stellar.

Did you just compare me, a black man, to a fucking animal? You son of a bitch! Now I'm going to eat a damn brisket sandwhich, FUCK YOUR ENVIRONMENT!!

I love it when people compare the rights of human beings to those of animals and think it doesn't make them look completely fucking ridiculous.

lol what even is this

I eat meat but I do try to minimize the amount that I eat because the overuse of antibiotics and methane from cow farts are seriously damaging the environment and our health.

Someone should test that theory using a box maintained at room temperature. My theory is that they yearn to be simultaneously dead and alive.

Nah, corn is a solid addition to chili. And to the shit afterward.

I work with a Patriots fan, and I am a Dolphins fan.

The first rule of Meg Club is you DON'T TALK ABOUT MEG CLUB.

There are many more independents and liberals here in the heartland than Mike Huckabee wants to admit. He already knows it but that just didn't fit on the banner that he fingerpainted with Scott Walker and Rick Perry during Arts and Crafts hour.

Awesome. It's like White Santa is delivering presents in January.

You want some baileys? Could you love me?

Belichick: I like a little puppet. You can kinda put your fingers in, it's a little monkey and then he can talk.

That's complete ridiculous. A visitor ,especially one whom I assume is opposite sex, should never masturbate in your presence without your permission. I'm a dumb, crazy man and I'd never do some shit like that.