Yeah. Tripping through small town America just ain't the same experience for black folks. Every time we stopped somewhere to eat or rest, the local police showed up soon after. It was pretty damn scary. The looks. The poor service. Being ignored at roadside museums and such. After getting pulled over by the cops…

We were at the pet store this weekend and I saw it was wheatgrass and told Allen that people put it in their shakes so it is totally okay for me to eat it. And the pet store lady said "it's probably good for you, too" and then Allen said "Mark, do you have your VISA? I am not paying for this."

Since I am totally the Allen in my relationship, I can totally leave a message just for Allen, right? Ok, here goes. I hope you are listening (um, reading?) Allen:

Oh, I have a chance. I HAVE A CHANCE.

Ask her family, her friends, her loved ones that question. Honestly, her life was more important than the songs, the Grammy’s and especially more important than “the art”. What happened to her was a tragedy, not because she was an amazing singer (and she was) but because she was a person and her life mattered.

“Restaurant food was decent but I had to provide my own bread and wine. The next day I was nailed to a plank of wood and died. Would not recommend.”

Heavens, no. You are required to have dry chicken breast or otherwise your marriage isn't legally binding.

Like the divorce lawyer who locked the door of his office and assaulted my sister, chasing her around his desk.

New England WASP passive-aggression is a thing of icy beauty, like a glacier. A glacier that just froze your perfectly preserved corpse for 10,000 years with the phrase "How lovely, dear."

The stoicism! The silence throughout an entire meal! The quiet shunning of one's suggestion for Bingo Night at the hall!

GAWD, thanks for this. I'm SO TIRED of hearing people, ever since this became "a thing" deploy a dear colloquial phase and say, "That's the southern way to say 'fuck you!'"

My favorite is the "unspoken prayer request" — this either means "I am in deep shit, so seriously. Pray for me." or it means "I need attention on Facebook."

Oh come now, I've known plenty of New Englanders who could teach graduate-level seminars in passive-aggression.

Anyone else use "I love her to death but..." I've noticed this one is being used more and more. I use it at least once a week.

babies can't be vegans

Dude, I am currently binge watching friends and I hate Ross the way I hated Dawson after I binged watched Dawson's Creek. Both of them are pooners.

Rebuttal: as stated already, lactose intolerance prevalence differs based on ethnicity. Using Asians or Africans to dictate the diets of Northern Europeans (who are largely NOT lactose intolerant) ignores the diversity of human evolution and cultural development. Natural selection shaming, Jezebel? Do you know no…

No other species has fully-formed sentience, either, which isn't a terribly good excuse to stop using our brains to get on their level. I fart on this article.

Yours is a noble destiny. To be a Truth-Bearer is to be alone.

Just like Deadspin to tear down a guy like Jones. You guys are always looking for the fault in our stars.