Dwight Howard is so vain. The fans weren't referring to him, they were referring to Moe Howard, and his spurning of Hollywood to work in New York City. But they still got it wrong, as it was Shemp who fucking sucked.

On the other hand "Where's all those knives come from!?" easily qualified as a rhetorical question given the fact that they are in Arizona.

I heard Gronkowski went with him and now they're just called "The Islands"

You take this back!

Hey girl, hope you're having suicidal thoughts because my only specialty is jumpers.

I find it ironic that the guy warning you about jumping chollas is the one who got knocked into the cacti by the golf shot! I mean seriously dude, wtf are you still doing in the desert?

He ain't your Cholla Back girl.

This is Larry Duncan and his sister Pamela Johnson (Duncan). Their dad was a lifelong Gopher's fan with season tickets for 40 years until he passed a few years ago. Larry and Pam decided they would continue his legacy by taking over his season tickets and they haven't missed a home game yet. One of their first games…

"I don't get it."

Unfortunately he didn't get off that easy. The game ended in a tie.

Mission accomplished

Yeah, it's total BS. I'm always like, "is Blake Griffin a basketball player or a car salesman?" It's time to get serious about basketball, Blake. Maybe he wouldn't be fake dunking without touching the rim if he focused on his dang job.

Mariah Carey is larger than Tracy Morgan.

Colbert won.

Get well soon, Jared.

Big whoop. My wife's been carrying my balls for years.

Just why does "Sochi" sound somewhat phonetically similar to "Benghazi?"

That's an anti-pinkeye sweater and a surveillance camera-foiling coat. Not all the danger is outside.

Alternate translation: *sad trombone*