i hate you.

Every time I look at the photo you used, I think the gorilla's floating. As if they don't have enough advantages already, they now levitate.

and you would be wrong. see above.

so how would you go about killing it?

No lil bastard was ever more deserving.

this is what we talk about when we talk about good kinja, my brother.

I went to San Diego zoo recently & was being eye fucked by the dominant male. There were 80 people checking out the exhibit & this dude is just chillin in the back. gansta leanin against his fake cave opening. That fucker tracked me as I walked from one end of the paddock to the other. Did he move a muscle? Turn…

1A. Cat, domesticated

Giving the Black Mamba 23? You're just insulting Jordan at this point, Greg.

I've fought and defeated over thirty animals on this list. #CrimingWhileWhite

i'd throw hands with a kangaroo for like ten bucks

My brother and his friend went to his steakhouse and ordered a glass of some crazy expensive whiskey (can't remember). When the bar didn't have it in stock the bartender told someone "Ditka has a bottle at his desk, should be in the bottom right drawer if he has any left." There was. Not a crazy story, but not that…

This joke has *levels*!

"This one time I was watching television and Mike Ditka was on it. Then he spoke. Then I turned off the television. The end." –Everybody else currently reading this article

It sounds like Ditka is a little bipolar bear.

Greg:

I thought it was offensive when the officials by the goal line kept making that same gesture in St. Louis today. Enough is enough.

So, let me get this straight: Missori cops want to punish black men for putting their hands up and saying "Don't shoot." Hrm.

I love my hometown of Chicago, but Mike Ditka is one universal symbol of it that I can't stand. The guy is an asshole who stumbled into a Superbowl win on Buddy Ryan's back (there is a reason the players carried Ryan on their shoulders, just to piss Ditka off), and then squandered away some of the best talent in the…

I played blackjack next to him at the New Orleans Harrah's in 2001. It was his first visit back since being kicked out for throwing a lit cigar at a dealer. It was a pretty tense table. I moved over one table, and had the best run of my life.