Please refer to the River Bottom Nightmare Band, from Emmet Otter’s Christmas special. They’re the coolest Muppets.

He looks more like a creepy waiter or a creepy valet parking attendent from a Mafia film. Guy’s a zillionaire, he can afford to keep somebody around to say “Oh for Christ’s sake go change, you look like an asshole”.

That’s guys basically a walking cold sore - I don’t think he’s sneaking his herp past anybody.

When the Water Rights Wars start, you’ll turn out to have been the wisest of us all.

I’ll cut slack for vegetarians who are like, at a by-the-slice place and everything else is meaty.

On our first date, my (future) wife ordered soup, two apps, an entree, dessert, and a Thai coffee, and wanted to swap for tastes of my food too, because she had never had Thai before and she was excited and curious. She (logically) said “I can just take home the extra, and I’m sure it’s just as delicious tomorrow”.

If I can’t display my ferocious sexual prowess by shoving 2 entire ham/mushroom/black olive XL’s down my gullet, I mean, what’s the point of even leaving the fucking house?

There are certain relatives whose unabashed loathing of a sig. other actually counts as a ringing endorsement of said other’s character.

I’ve heard a version of that met with the retort “Well, ma, he coulda pulled out and cum all over your ass, soooooooo.... that one’s on you. Worked for me so far!”

My high school girlfriend, on hearing the suggestion that the group of friends should go smoke marijuana cigarettes:

See? You missed it!

If Honda still made my ‘91 Si, I’d happily pay $25k for it.

I saw a guy hopping out of a DEAD-FUCKIN-MINT one the other day. 60-ish white dude, pretty sure everything he was wearing was L.L. Bean and various shades of brown. We stopped and complimented him and he said “Thanks! Just rolled over 250k and I have loved every minute of this car.”

Well, finally a legit “homophobe”!

It’s refreshing to hear when so many people use that term when it should actually be “bigoted mean fuck”.

Any chatter as to if & when Sony will get with the program? My back-compatible PS3 finally shit the bed, and a PS4/PS3/PS2/WiiU/Retron5 entertainment center is looking a little crowded.

I would never buy a modern Jeep. If this thing existed, I wouldn’t buy anything else.

Those goddamn dirty commies keep using MY MONEY to repave roads that I don’t even drive on!

I hope that when I am old, I have a sweet, kindly, wrinkly old man face, instead of looking like a ghoulish fucking scarecrow like that fucking prick up there.

“Cheating” is “What you wouldn’t want to catch your partner doing, either”. There are limits, of course.

Other people’s kids?