If I can’t display my ferocious sexual prowess by shoving 2 entire ham/mushroom/black olive XL’s down my gullet, I mean, what’s the point of even leaving the fucking house?

There are certain relatives whose unabashed loathing of a sig. other actually counts as a ringing endorsement of said other’s character.

I’ve heard a version of that met with the retort “Well, ma, he coulda pulled out and cum all over your ass, soooooooo.... that one’s on you. Worked for me so far!”

My high school girlfriend, on hearing the suggestion that the group of friends should go smoke marijuana cigarettes:

See? You missed it!

If Honda still made my ‘91 Si, I’d happily pay $25k for it.

I saw a guy hopping out of a DEAD-FUCKIN-MINT one the other day. 60-ish white dude, pretty sure everything he was wearing was L.L. Bean and various shades of brown. We stopped and complimented him and he said “Thanks! Just rolled over 250k and I have loved every minute of this car.”

Well, finally a legit “homophobe”!

It’s refreshing to hear when so many people use that term when it should actually be “bigoted mean fuck”.

Any chatter as to if & when Sony will get with the program? My back-compatible PS3 finally shit the bed, and a PS4/PS3/PS2/WiiU/Retron5 entertainment center is looking a little crowded.

I would never buy a modern Jeep. If this thing existed, I wouldn’t buy anything else.

Those goddamn dirty commies keep using MY MONEY to repave roads that I don’t even drive on!

If we’re talking “clean my house and cook but I won’t pay you but your family will be provided for” domestic slavery, maybe. We’re talking “Forced to work in the plutonium mines and also fight my giant pet space spiders for my amusement”, nah.

I hope that when I am old, I have a sweet, kindly, wrinkly old man face, instead of looking like a ghoulish fucking scarecrow like that fucking prick up there.

“Cheating” is “What you wouldn’t want to catch your partner doing, either”. There are limits, of course.

Other people’s kids?

Placebo also covered it as a bonus track on “Sleeping With Ghosts”

Yeah, if somebody is going to be a massive piece of shit and ruin my day, the very least they can do is apologize and be quick about it.

I bit off a guy’s finger once. Enormously satisfying. I spit it in the bushes.

C’mon Florida - even fucking Maryland is getting in on your act. Need to up your game.

This just in: Once-relevant cheesecake mag sits in locked garage, starts car.