What they lack in climbing they make up for with absolutely amazing orange chicken.

I’M FIGHTING OFFICIAL OPPRESSION BY THE TURKISH GOVERNMENT YOU SKINFLINT

“When you’re Vice President, you can just grab em by their hardware and they can’t do nothing about it” - Leering Mike Pence

$71 million dollars is a steal in 1992 dollars. That’s how inflation works right?

/overheard in a brazilian shower room

My man loves the movie ‘The Usual Suspects,’ but hates that you never learn who Keyser Söze is.

Might wanna check the last few lines of the post, buddy. (Admittedly, I failed to include any made-up dialogue between Bell and his pitcher. Very sorry if you felt put out by having to imagine that yourself.)

Those neighbors are awfully righteous for people whose fences are made out of dildos.

How come women can’t go sleeveless when Paul Ryan is allowed to go spineless?

he was sent to the bar by his wife who didn’t want him smoking that crap around her

I grew up with a “We’re never going on another god damn Vacation Dad”

the heat really outbid Waiters’ next highest suitor: deadspin was offering him $10k and first pick out of the office beer fridge to write more of the good shit

Nope. The last time we tried to be 20% nicer, we got fucked. Meanness quotient remains.

This is fucking fantastic.

The thing about shit-talking Waiters is that sometimes they spit in your food.

Jones is a savvy businessman, he’s not going to pay for felonies that somebody under contract is ostensibly giving away for free.

I bet Hayward is just thrilled he doesn’t have to deal with any of this nonsense in Boston, where the only thing they burn is crosses.

Today the Great Salt Lake is even saltier.

sorry, you have to be a total liberal dupe to buy that story about the dingo eating the baby