She should absolutely crib a page out of John Cena’s playbook and get the medal put on a medallion that’s a motorized spinner.

Mitch could, theoretically, refuse to act

The Nobel prize comes with a cash award of about $1.1 million. That would increase Trump’s net worth by about 30 percent. Grifter looking to score. 

This, to me, will forever be the best Trump photoshop:

I know a lot of folks are worried about that, but I just can’t see it. Above all he’s an extreme physical coward, and despite his popularity with authoritarians, there are still many very burly people in the armed forces who will be both tasked with the lawful removal and willing to carry it out.

If we’re lucky we might get a sarcastic clap from her too

Pelosi might wag a finger.

These are all trial balloons, folks. When he gets skunked in November 2020, he will not leave and claim that the 1. the election was rigged and 2. there is no power to actually remove him.

Turner is a retired Orlando PD officer who was previously reprimanded for excessive force.

He isn’t ever going to start a war with Iran because Vlad has specifically told him that it is off limits and any breach of this order will result in major pee tape/financial disclosure related consequences.

Fuck man, now you have to tearfully apologize to him while sitting next to Colin Jost. And you’re still dealing with the Ariana Grande breakup.

To be fair, he probably did see them coming, but thought they were further away than they were when he started running.

Stupid “President” CLUE! I’ll go first!

Or, “oh crap Nak’s music. Getting out of here before Zayn does his schtick.”

That was who Garrett was really running from. "Oh shit, Shunsuke's here!"

I’m more surprised that the Cubs are playing Shinsuke Nakamura’s face entrance music between innings.

He’s a left handed relief pitcher, he’ll still be pitching when today’s unborn grandchildren get to be old enough to care to watch baseball

He’s a lefty reliever (one with a passable 1.3 WHIP and more than passable 11 K/9 in his two seasons in the pen totaling over 130 appearances). That basically guarantees him 12 years in the bigs provided his shoulder stays in one piece. Major league rosters love their lefties, and since he nearly averages an inning…

“I’m kind of retarded.”— The actual defense of a newly-minted online
“funnyman.”