That’s a version of homicide detective Joe Kenda’s famous quote of

After watching my Chiefs take on the Texans last night, I can attest to this. Maybe even bump it up to 8:30.

That’s why I’m in bed and jerking it at 9:15. 

He’s not wrong, the Bible is FULL of murder, death, execution, vengeance and hate.  If you skip past all that pussy shit Jesus said, it’s the entire book. 

They robbed me, but the police caught them standing in the doorway waiting for the story to finish.  

The most likely (historical) response is: The British. It’s their fault. First, we had a revolution (1775-1783) and kicked them out. Then they came back again (1812). We were probably waiting for a second encore and it never came, unless you count The Beatles. ;)

I hope scientists discover paper straws the leading cure for breast cancer.

These women are just lucky liberals aren’t trying to ban straw man arguments, otherwise they’d really be in trouble.

“I was shot by an ar pattern rifle during class one day. The frangible round tumbled through my thorax and shattered against my spine. Now I have to consume nutrients through a plastic straw. Haha, pwned you libs.”

I’ll still back Democrats everyday over republicans but they need to stop trying to kill their own left wing. 

Considering how interesting he made an empty warehouse, I would watch any sport Antoine Dangerfield commentated.

Even if the “smokey eye” joke was a reference to her appearance, it was a complimentary reference. It’s like saying, “Gotta hand it to those Nazis, they look sharp in those uniforms” -- that’s a compliment right there. 

Yeah....so, the mascot was introduced in 2000. At the time, the stadium was known as Bank One Ballpark (B.O.B.), and casually referred to as “The Bob.”

Juan Williams is on Fox News, ergo, Fox News isn’t a conservative new source.

That’s your profound “logic”

Oh yeah, Barack Obama. Who was most successfully lampooned as a guy so calm and reserved that he needed an anger translator to communicate effectively with other humans. That Barack Obama. If there was one word or phrase I’d associate with Barack Obama, it was totally “incitement.”

Objects Behind You Are Closer Than They Appear

“He's right behind me, isn't he?"

Mueller mulls major mandate, meanwhile multimillionaire miscreant meanders mindlessly meeting mistress. 

Planes, Trains, and Collusion