I had a cab ride the other night with a man who confessed that he feels conflicted about his sexuality. “I feel like I’m a lesbian,” he said. “But like a butch lesbian. Like, I really love women and being with women, and I like being a man... but I’m just not into hitting and quitting like all my friends are. I want…

I can’t stand this twat and I really hope the Trump name weighs on her life like an anchor.

I had a friend who went on a date with someone there, and after they cycled through all the possibilities of why they looked vaguely familiar to each other realized they’d been on a date a few years previously and it had never gone anywhere. So they’d basically gone through the whole pool and were coming back around.

Well, she’s Russian. There are about 2m hot younger Russian women, and 0 hot older Russian women. When the end comes, it comes swiftly.

I had a very mean teacher in high school. Years later he died of cancer, and in his last days no one stepped up to take care of him except one of my other teachers, who was a warm and lovely man. He said afterwards, “When you spend your whole life alienating people, you shouldn’t be too surprised to find yourself…

Wait, what’s gross about wearing a shirt in the pool? Like... a t-shirt to keep the sun off? How is that gross? How are socks gross, for that matter? They’re no different than the piece of fabric clinging to your butthole, in terms of cleanliness.

You seem nice. I definitely hope someone with your warm and giving heart is in charge of YOUR hospice care.

No, it really does make you racist. I could refute you point by point, but you won’t hear it. But just so you know: you are a bad person and you should feel bad.

Simmer down, Stephen.

You can still text! But I’m sure the whole phone has gone in the garbage.

If you’re suggesting that Stephen Miller looks like the lovely Terence Stamp then you can just go soak your head right now.

I mean, I’m white, and my ancestors also didn’t tame shit. They came here at the end of the 19th century with all the other Germans and opened bars and little grocery stores and stuff like that in comfortable urban centers.

Although to be fair, these are all people who willingly signed up to work for a deeply conservative Freedom Caucus member, so I’m going to file this under

Lin-Manuel Miranda.

We went away for the summer and rented our house out to a white lady. She emailed us in a panic because one of my friends hadn’t realized the house was rented and had come over and let herself in with her key. Lady renter was TERRIFIED, she led us to understand. TERRIFIED!!!! She was still shaking hours later. This…

This man can go absolutely GARGLE a bag of dicks.

As a person who has spent months volunteering on this recall campaign, I appreciate him and his fat mouth helping the cause just as people are starting to vote by absentee.

San Francisco has a Homeless Outreach Team you can call for this specifically; not sure if other cities have it. LA doesn’t seem to.

That is a great price for cupcakes.

Well, if we want to talk about what’s not really a big deal: it’s a logo. Teams change their logos all the time. It’s really not worth being an asshole about. The people that really need to move on are these people who are so upset that their team might want to be slightly less racist.