There’s nothing wrong with getting your hair cut at a beauty college. It is the smartest.

But she always throws in something about him being half rodent that kills me because it’s so weird.

Oh my gosh, her Sessions KILLS me.

I could watch Kate McKinnon play Jeff Sessions all day long. That is a brilliant, weird take. But could someone please tell Colin Jost to stop laughing at his own jokes?

My sister’s birthday and my husband’s sister’s birthday are on the same day, so every year I tell him, “It’s your sister’s birthday.” Every year he asks, “Which sister?” and “Do you know how old she is?” Like, dude— it’s a 50/50 on which sister, and you can keep track of the year they were born. Do the min of…

110%! I HATED The Cat In The Hat.

Would he still be super funny and worthy of a headline and story if it was your sister he beat and left bloody on the side of a road? What if it was your mother? Or you? Just wondering what the limit is.

Do you prefer potato peroshkis, or cheese? Is cheese peroshki even a thing? Cheese perogis are, but those are Ukranian, so that’s probably a delicate subject.

Thanks for your input, comrade. Can you tell me where I can get a good vodka for under $5/bottle?

Oh man. This is tough. If you say something, you should be prepared to lose the friendship (speaking from sad experience). I’d say steer the conversation more towards the shitty ex, how you hope to never see her in such a situation again, and you’re always here for her, and that you believe in her.

Ugh. Get out of my state, you racist Keebler Elf.

I was babysitting a kid and playing on the swings with her. She flew out of her swing when it was basically at the top of its arc and fell flat on her face. I stopped and waited breathlessly for the wail— but she bounced up laughing hysterically. Never been so relieved.

Am I the only person who worshipped “Better Off Dead”? Anyway, Dad in Better Off Dead 4Eva. RIP.

I KNOW. Bless his heart, he thinks he is extremely manly and handsome.

Or use the slow cooker!

You mean black people also enslaved white people for 250 years, then kept them under a system of apartheid for another 100 years? Wow, what assholes.

It’s his reward for sending Hope Hicks packing.

“Bojangles of Harlem” is “problematic”? Astaire dances out from between a huge pair of lips, down a lolling tongue, in blackface, to lyrics about how black people don’t know who the President is, but they sure know their tapdancing. And the fact that he liked Bojangles and meant it in a nice way is almost worse.…

And if they could get sufficient numbers to support their shitty arguments, then Amazon or Google would probably agree with them. That’s how capitalism works. You know all those boycotts of Disney or whatever that conservatives were always trying to gin up? They didn’t work, because not enough people were bigots. But…

“I came here to pound my pud to child sex fantasies, and 15 will not feed them. If you’ve got tits, I call it quits. Booooo.”