Do they have the garlic mashed potatoes, caramelized plantains, and cheese bread on the table there, to fill you up so you don’t eat too much meat? Even though you just end up eating 3 plates of all 3 of them anyway on top of the meat. They have never once made money on me.

Let he who has not eaten at McDonald’s in a European country after weeks of studying abroad and missing America and home and not paying for ketchup cast the first stone.

Gee. It's a real mystery why the vast majority of rapes are never reported.

If John Boehner and Mitch McConnell are the ones coming out of this as the voice of sanity, I am really worried about what the future holds for this country.

Oh god, these girls. The guys in frat rooms. Having to steal a couple minutes of gameplay when he’s in the bathroom. DTMFA!!! This is all heartbreaking.

OMG, I just realized that’s probably why my free samples are “masculine”. I assumed that it was just what they were pushing, but I just realized I never get anything “feminine”

“The American people should no longer be forced to fund the abortion industry; therefore we will oppose any government funding legislation that would authorize or provide federal funds for Planned Parenthood,”

But like, what if I actually want to just invite a female friend over for Netflix and chilling? Do I have to invent a kind of “no homo” suffix to hastily add on to that?

So will God now tell Darrell Bevell to start using Jimmy Graham? I mean I’m all for players expressing their faith but Wilson takes it to a level of annoying that makes me want to agree with Bill Maher.

I LOVED that part because Trump claims Obama is a Muslim. And then goes and tells a Muslim kid that HE’S what makes America great. And what’s Trump going to do about it? Attack the kid? No he’s gonna sit his ass down on that one. Obama man, I just love him.

Not because of autism concerns, but that getting doses too close together can limit their effectiveness. Science, not witchcraft.

“...because they don’t want government money to go into killing babies.”

I’d like to reiterate my request that he draws a Thanksgiving hand-turkey with that hand and posts it online.

THANK YOU, Bernie Sanders. Imma gonna go donate 5 dollars right now.

Re: the “What’s the most satisfying part of the “getting out of work/dress clothes” routine?” question:

Admittedly my speakers don’t work, so I’m just relying on lip-reading here, but I really thought it looked like he said, “Is Joe Flacco elite?”

You don’t need an IUD. I have it on good authority from Republican politicians that the mysterious female body has a way of shutting it all down in the ladyparts.

Hear hear! I’m on a pill that has eliminated my period altogether and it is the single greatest thing to ever happen to my body (aside from keeping it unpregnant, I guess). I haven’t bought tampons in like two years, people. Do you even know how expensive tampons are?

I’d watch a Leo biopic for the Growing Pains section alone.

My mom came up north with me for college move in. I was living in a non-coed brownstone (campus housing). When I got back after my first day she was sitting on the front stoop with milk and cookies. All the guys from the brownstone next door were loitering. She invited them over, and just like that I had my first…