This is the first thing I see when I open the internet today. Who knew a 15 year old from Iowa could give me such joy on my birthday? I feel like Jared Fogle.

Weddings are dumb though. I mean, I’m married but I think it’s dumb. None of it is necessary and all of it is made up by people wanting to sell you things.

September 9th at 8PM - here’s the clip

I’ll donate the Adidas and Kool-Aid, but only for her and her husband. Then I’ll deploy a rescue team for the kids.

Ok. You literally just made me laugh out loud. It's a good thing my glass wasn't all the way to my mouth, or beer would've gone everywhere.

Spiked punch at my place in hell my friends!!!

Don’t worry. We’re going with you.

I choked with laughter on my grilled cheese sandwich reading your comment.

And my job being married is to get my husband and my [seven] kids to heaven with me.

It’s not even the orange hair, it’s the expression on his face that makes him look like a hobgoblin or a kelpie.

You just put on the gloves and spar gently with yourself.

*whispers* dementia

My dog had the same eyelid surgery as Lisa. They actually had to remove the foreskin from his penis to create new eyelids. He is perfectly fine now, just a little cockeyed.

DON’T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE, YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM.

But without Left Eye.

The chances of this being the case are actually relatively high, given that Washington D.C. has the highest rate of membership of any city (and correspondingly, the hack released over 15,000 .gov or .mil email addresses).

Well, how is he supposed to know if he did anything wrong if someone doesn’t beat the shit out of him first?

If something out of the ordinary happened to Williams’ balls, it makes sense for Rex Ryan to be as ambiguous as possible. No reason to lose Karlos for four games.

Yeah, I know as a kid I didn’t care about getting a participation trophy. I wanted to win and if I/we didn’t, I was mad. The trophy is pretty meaningless, I wanted to win so I could tell my other buddy who was on the other team I was better than him or our team was better than his.

Gotta be honest, I was a competitive little shit growing up. Still am but I’ve learned to keep it internally driven. My brother however, was not coordinated nor competitive at all and was discouraged from doing things he liked to do.