My aunt “has” Morgellons. I “had” something similar in 2010. I was obsessed with ingrown hairs, to the point that I believed I had almost twice as much hair as I actually had, but it was ‘trapped’ under the skin of my scalp and therefore I had to free it with my fingernails. I waxed all the skin off my chin because I…

“The shots! There were six of them! That’s extreme.”

“Some were also nerve fibers: in extreme cases of delusional parasitosis, patients will dig practically to the bone in a futile effort to stop the pain.”

That's just the power of love.

I love this because

He seems so lovely and charming, I looove Robert Plant..

Quarter rotated plaid on plaid pockets. Seemed like a good idea. Was not.

Got propositioned once by Robert Plant back in 1990. He was on the “Now and Zen” tour, I was working front desk at a hotel where he and his band stayed overnight. Most biggies didn’t mix with us pleebs at all, but he came to the front desk to ask for a tea tray (it was late, room service was closed). He invited me to…

popeys is totally worth the delay.

Sorry, I ran out to get some Popeye’s.

I went out with Conor Oberst a couple of times. The sex was meh, but I broke it off when he came over to my parents’ house for dinner and pretended like he didn’t know what a potato was. It was obvious to everyone that it was just a shitty joke that he refused to abandon, and my dad eventually kicked him out. I mean,…

Never fuck around with a cereal-eating Enya-listening baby-thief!

I’ve never slept with a musician, but I did fuck around with an NBA player for about a year when I was 20. He was kind of a weird dude, but nice. Like to have me come over to the house, eat cereal for dinner, and listen to Enya which he had pipped into every room of the house.

I initially read that as George Carlin.

Here’s a couple gleaned from my 30 years driving rock stars around.

My wife’s friend banged George Clinton. Took a clump a hair for a souvenir.

It sounds like she was more of a friend that he had feelings for than a date. Like, reading between the lines, he thought it was a date, she thought they were just going to a concert together as buddies. Poor guy...

I'd be way interested in an ostrich wearing a baseball cap.

As an ostrich in a baseball cap, I take offense.