For the salsa guy. Grill a chicken breast or a pork shop. Put a nice slice of sharp cheddar on that and let it melt. Cover it with salsa and eat. Yum.

Thomas the tank engine is male.

Relationships that start with something traumatic never work out. Like when me and Sandra Bullock started dating after we saved that bus...it was hot for a couple of months, but cooled super fast.

I hate this guy.

I have never been the back spoon without initiating sex. It is impossible.

Tell them you're an avid reader of Jezebel and are outraged by EVERYTHING.

I like Steinbeck as well as the next guy, but stay on the 1.

If I never see another picture of feet on the beach, I would be a happy man.

Well, crap.

You can always go to redtube. They show that.

If it's very, very dark and no one is touching me, I could pass as this guy's twin.

These are not offensive in the least. And they have a real-sized model on their website. Why don't you focus on that? Not everyone is an athiest.

The Big Lebowski

You're lame.

There are ways to do this. You must think of a comment that seems innocuous but is actually biting. Like use their spelling errors in your comment. Like, "I wish I had a hub-band like that."

First off, stay on the coast. Do not go from San Luis Obispo to Paso Robles. Stay on Hwy 1 and go through Pismo Beach, Morro Bay, Cayucos, Harmony, Cambria, San Simeon, and Big Sur. Take pictures the entire way.

This is an odd coincidence, but I used to live in San Simeon (Cambria, actually). Them Elephant Seas are Kink-KEE.

Those feet again. Up, Down, Down, Up implies the woman has taken a nap on the man. It should be Up, Up, Up, Up. Or Up, Down, Up, Down. Or all sideways. Or Up, Back of Thigh, Back of Thigh, Up.

I want to instagram the couples expression when they open my non-returnable 28 year old fondue set.

First they came for the fatties and I said nothing because I'm not...well, not exactly fat. If they ever come for the pudgies, I'm screwed.