And it wasn't just spit it was SALIVA spit. Spit made from SALIVA!!! It was not a loogey. It was SALIVA spit.

I had the opportunity to meet him at a Bouchercon some 20 years ago. I was just a lowly bookseller, but he was very gracious and charming. Take a lesson from that, Sue Grafton.

You seem surprised. It's more like "Donald Trump wrote that." With a period.

Where is this that they put RAMPS in front of big gaps in the freeway? Are you encouraged to try and jump them? WTF?

You should have called this "How to Set Fire to Your Sticky, Slimy Kitchen".

Why is Janelle Monae always having more fun than I have ever had?

Uh, we should talk...you're not as "fresh" as you could be.

My home would be REALLY cozy because my bus was considerably shorter than that one.

Wasn't there a high school in PA a while back that was spying on kids and their families through the webcam on the school-provided laptops?

I must be the most creative motherfucker to ever live.

I was kinda going with the silicone pirates. Manly men after big fake boobs.

Well, based on the last soda article, I imagine killing a hobo with a hammer is some good cardio.

I can watch Unwrapped for hours on end.

This makes me embarrassed to be a man. Jesus, Thor, just shut the fuck up. And that sweater? No.

Here's a story about my Mom (RIP):

Because that scene would have sucked if the guy with the cleaver had turned around and said, "Hi. How are you? As you can see, we're cannibals."

When I was a kid, I was in 4-H and we showed sheep. We had a Ram. I can't remember the breed but it was smallish and hornless. One day, when we were loading up the ewes for a fair, my mom leaned over to pick something up and that ram got a good running start and butted her right in the ass and sent her sprawling. It…

I am OUTRAGED by your response!!!! OUT! RAGED!

I don't like this new format because the author pictures are too small and I can't mast...uh, look at the person whose article I'm writing about.

I hate your guts.