I have never been the back spoon without initiating sex. It is impossible.

Tell them you're an avid reader of Jezebel and are outraged by EVERYTHING.

I like Steinbeck as well as the next guy, but stay on the 1.

Well, crap.

You can always go to redtube. They show that.

If it's very, very dark and no one is touching me, I could pass as this guy's twin.

These are not offensive in the least. And they have a real-sized model on their website. Why don't you focus on that? Not everyone is an athiest.

You're lame.

There are ways to do this. You must think of a comment that seems innocuous but is actually biting. Like use their spelling errors in your comment. Like, "I wish I had a hub-band like that."

First off, stay on the coast. Do not go from San Luis Obispo to Paso Robles. Stay on Hwy 1 and go through Pismo Beach, Morro Bay, Cayucos, Harmony, Cambria, San Simeon, and Big Sur. Take pictures the entire way.

This is an odd coincidence, but I used to live in San Simeon (Cambria, actually). Them Elephant Seas are Kink-KEE.

Those feet again. Up, Down, Down, Up implies the woman has taken a nap on the man. It should be Up, Up, Up, Up. Or Up, Down, Up, Down. Or all sideways. Or Up, Back of Thigh, Back of Thigh, Up.

I want to instagram the couples expression when they open my non-returnable 28 year old fondue set.

First they came for the fatties and I said nothing because I'm not...well, not exactly fat. If they ever come for the pudgies, I'm screwed.

Ed Sheeran is retweeting old jokes.

PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!

She's holding it upside down. It's an ass potato.

The laughing. Why is she always laughing? What could be so goddamned funny that she does NOTHING BUT LAUGH??? SHE'S CLEARLY INSANE!!!!

Not Drew, but I once invented Beef Stroganoff.

My wife quit when we had our third child and all of a sudden daycare was just about what she brought home. I was doing okay, so we did it and it was great. Amazing for the kids, she was much happier, and when you factored in lunches and gas to commute to work we were actually ahead of the game.