hi its me Bill Simons. Yes I will write the sports stories. Thank you,

You are a dumb, dense motherfucker.

Slick job guys, finding out how many older readers you have. Proud to say I was not born then!

Oh, sorry, I thought this was the post where we were supposed to pick a random number between 1 and 100.

We know NFL Security can't help.

Right? Unless his cafeteria workers were Iron Chefs

That was my thought. I also wonder why the fuck he didn't just wipe his shit off his ass and toss the underwear.

I go to lunch still carrying this load, which is now drying out. After eating, I am off to the bathroom to clean it up...

LaRoche: C'mon, that fucking blimp moved right in front of me while the pitch was coming!

Well, sure, he had an easy mnemonic, because the Oilers' first line is three boobs.

Yeah, but...I don't remember a time when I didn't consider bacon to be one of my favorite foods. It was always the best possible thing to land on the breakfast table, long before any of this shit went down.

Just ask New Orleans.

Have you heard Showalter does a Brad Ausmus impression? It's not so great on camera, but dynamite over a bullpen phone. Like when he called for Joba Chamberlain in back-to-back games. What a card!

Don't feel too bad. I've got to imagine that comfort grip is a big plus for some ladies.

Wow, Shannon Sharpe went from calling Gordon a "marijuana junkie," to befriending him in rehab.

I was much more productive outside of football season at my University. I wouldn't begin binge drinking until 4:00 p.m. in the Spring!

Where is he finding free booze on Saturdays?

Ron Gardenhire draws ire, becomes 'Gardenfired' after Minnesota Twins' dire dumpsterfire; no word on next hire.

I only came here to make sure that Americano was last on the list. Why the hell would anyone want a shot of espresso diluted by 10oz of water? What the fuck is wrong with those people?

What an absolute class act. He couldn't have handled the situation any better. You really gotta hand it to Evan Meek for grooving that pitch in to Jeter.