‘Navy superstitions abound, but this one may be the filthiest’....

Every time I go to the microwave there’s a forgotten half-cup of tea or coffee in it. I now am forced to accept than I am an Old.

I’m amazed the hot dog zapper hasn’t become a favourite in the S&M community...

Lovely piece, Dennis, You are a dedicated, and perhaps very slightly unbalanced, man. I also love how ‘As Seen On TV’ is still regarded as a recommendation these days.

I’m cool about it, but my friend Alfie Melonhead is distinctly worried....

EEEKK!

The main problem when you stand on the damn thing is you realise how utterly inadequate most curses and oaths actually are. I was reaching back into Norse mythology and Pictish runes to find the swears and obscenities I needed!

Some people claim Lego is the most painful thing to unexpectedly stand on with bare feet. I disagree, it’s an upturned three-pin mains plug. Trust me.

Capers are an amazingly underrated ingredient, from pasta to pizza. 

Seven or eight years ago four of us, my business partner and I and two from another company, went for dinner at a very well regarded and well reviewed London restaurant after a very long afternoon meeting. The place was near our office in Clerkenwell, and it’s signature dish was a version of boeuf bourguignon served…

I am deeply jealous..... And glad that you meant -

Bet it gave him a bracing ride for a couple of laps....

How about a regular human doctor who works at a goth sex club?

Does nobody remember the hit by C&W legend Billy Bob Fuckwit - On My Way To Jesus (Through The Windscreen Of My Car)?

I read that as ‘hamster breading’ and wondered if they did a hamster sandwich as well.

‘And then I recall that people have been killed by explosive gender reveal devices.’ Yes, and they were fucking idiots, for all sorts of reasons. 

He also has a verse about how it was going to knock your wig off, but that got cut too. 

I used to watch Ghee every week, but the 3D concert film was crap.

John Wick 4 - Post Coitum Omne Animal Triste Est

Wonder what they’ll put on the form when they try to claim the insurance? Act of God?