Messi’s last-second goal to win it in Madrid last year was the greatest soccer match I have ever seen. I doubt anything will ever surpass it.

And yet none of this matters, because Dubs.

Prior to KD showing up, I watched YouTube replays of Curry incessantly, reveling in the fact that he had almost singlehandedly returned basketball to its origins as a game of pure shooting. Now, I find it absolutely dull. He’s allowed to air ball a 35-foot shot because, frankly, who gives a fuck? It matters not in any…

I’m glad he’s not on the Clippers anymore because I actually feel good rooting for him now. Hard to imagine what kind of stats he would have put up if he’d been healthy in his prime. 

Good luck competing in the WC with no three point shooting to speak of.  That said, their shabby performance made the Blazers look better than they actually are, a phenomenon that continues to lure us Blazers fans into a false sense of anticipation. Though if Nik Stauskas turns out to be the real deal, we may still…

I hear the cleanup crew consisted mainly of mothers of teenage boys. 

Prior to this game, I had never laid eyes on the Rockets GM. After seeing that fat fuck, I thought, “This guy looks exactly like the kind of moron who would trade a well-oiled machine for fucking Carmelo Anthony.” The Rockets looked like total ass last night, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. Meanwhile, Ariza was…

Nothing says “I’m a team player” like being a selfish asshole! I’m sure other teams’ interest in Jimmy is rising like the Dow Jones. Oh, wait...

Prior to Honnold’s achievement, I held Philippe Petit‘s tightrope walk between the Twin Towers to be the most astonishing thing I’d ever seen. And I would only modify what you said slightly: the most impressive mental achievement of our lifetimes. Which is to say there are probably hundreds of people in the world…

Not the first time someone’s completely forgotten about new jersey, I’m sure.

If there are three boners, it’d be strange if someone DIDN’T score.

On the upside, he has the distinction of being the only player in major sports history to single-handedly ruin the competitive balance of an entire league. That takes some cajones, Kev!

Looks like all those years of flopping and whining like a little bitch have finally caught up to him. 

Climate change can’t wipe Florida off the map soon enough. 

Seven hundred and fucking forty-nine pitches. Well, now you know why Ohtani will be on and off the DL as long as he continues to pitch. 

Doesn’t help that his last name sounds like an STD. 

Great stuff. On a side note: does a record count if you set it against the Marlins, though? 

The only thing more surprising than that goal is how short this article is. 

“They were trying to weed out players.” Well, letting them die of heatstroke is one way to do it. And hey, let’s not just lay the blame on one school’s “toxic” culture. The entire entity known as “football in America” is rotten to the core from top to bottom. Every fan knows this, and if they don’t know it, they are…

Am I the only one who thinks this two-way player thing is actually not good for Ohtani’s long term prospects? He seems injury-prone as hell when he’s pitching, and knowing how insane the Japanese baseball regimen is even in high school, he’s probably thrown more pitches than anyone in the history of MLB for someone…