Clare: “I wanna feel what you guys feel when it’s, like, everybody feels with the people who are couples are feeling...”

You’d be amazed at how many brothas admire that damn man.

Y’all making jokes, but I’m calling it: Trump will be the Republican candidate. That’s all they got. And if it’s Trump versus Hillary, Trump may win. How? They’ll split the black vote. Swear to God.

I’ll bring the s’more stuff. We’ll definitely make s’mores in the boar-sized fireplace and instagram it cuz it’ll be cute.

Yep. Calvin, you in danger, boy....

See, you’re better than me. I get to a level of pissivity that I’ll just leave without buying shit. Yeah, they’ll think that they were right all along, but I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I didn’t let my dignity get trampled on more than I’m willing to tolerate. (Looking at you: St. Paul Anthropologie...)

Life’s unfair.

Well, shoplifting is part of compulsive behavior. She doesn’t need half the shit she takes and can easily afford every single thing. Yeah, she’s kray. Who isn’t? How hers manifests is sketchier than how mine does, but it doesn’t make me better than her.

My student just got banned from a particular grocery store for stealing a coconut water. Guess it depends on where you’re from.

What’s weird is that I’ve decided not to purchase stuff because I couldn’t carry it and mull it over in my mind. The whole point of mulling shit over is to convince yourself that you really need something. Once it’s out of my hands, it’s easier to say, meh. don’t need it. Guess some sales associates thought I was…

I think about an entire generation of people who will be able to google or alphabet their names and find hundreds of commenters criticizing their looks, actions, quirks and foibles from birth through puberty. And I’m not even talking about celebrity spawn. From normal folks detailing their snowflake’s every poop to…

You know anyone who has lots of great qualities and maybe one or two shittier qualities that don’t impact you personally? Like, a favorite uncle who might be a little bit racist or a homeboy that fucks around on his girlfriend? Or a buddy who is a slob in their garage, tools everywhere? It’s like that. She’s good…

Ooooh, I’d kick her ass if she did that. But since she knows that I’d draw attention, it’s probably safer for her to waltz out as the ostensibly innocuous middle-aged white lady toting a crotch full of angus beef with none the wiser. Hell, maybe I should intentionally pair up with my white friends: I browse through…

Yeah. I’d take a bullet for her, but not a theft rap.

Nah, she’s awesome other than that. I don’t shop with her, tho. Nope. Never again.

That’s a loss prevention tactic, the classic “can I hold these at the register for you?” which would be followed by a “Would you like me to start a fitting room for you?” while grabbing the clothes in my hand, or just surreptitiously “adjusting” or “tidying” the items right next to me, while moving toward me the…

Lord! One of my friends is a recreational shoplifter. The woman and her wife make a good $160,000 with no kids and she will hit up Michael’s before school starts and just walk out with loads of shit. I went to the grocery store with her once and she stuffed steaks down her pants. I didn’t know until we got out the…

Then tell Stephen King or Clive Barker to apologize.

Does she have kids? I was hoping it was for her kids. Otherwise, a low-key cry for help.

If I ever decided to shoplift from Target and get caught in the process, hopefully it will be some classy Gilligan O’Malley shit and not from the dollar bin.