I thought Dr. Phil liked his interviewees in full-on trainwreck mode.

What does any of that mean? What does anything mean?

That makeup is just the worst. It's as if the make-up artist spent all their time on Shailene's eye makeup and then got too bored to do the rest.

Not Downton funk? Color me disappointed.

Choosing quantity over quality only works for $3 Vegas buffets.

Looks like they spliced Hillary to Hillary. Don't know why they didn't just use this image or one from this set.

Oh my, OU! When did this whole actions have consequences thing start? I'm liking this.

Oh, kettlebell calluses, I remember those. Mine weren't that bad because I do get manicures. But you can't really do 'bells without getting the calluses.

Oh, I know. I'm feeling a bit punchdrunk from jetlag and was just having a little fun with the phrasing.

...the dog was maliciously poisoned.

Not only are they racist assholes but they also film things vertically. Do their sins have no limit?

It really is a thin line sometimes.

Young American women who like defacing ancient artifacts, you say?

And, they all seem like good places to bring a doll since, according to common wisdom, dolls love balsamic vinegar.

According to the methodology, they polled 1,286 registered voters; contact was by landline and cellphone.

Most trusted publication:

I'm more concerned about the baby's karma. Clearly, that baby was up to no good in a prior life.

This reminds of something I saw on a blog the other day, where a woman — dressed in Prada and Sonia Rykiel — said her style was comparable to that of a homeless person. The tone-deafness of this (and the commenters who saw nothing wrong with this metaphor) nearly sent me into a rage stroke.

Someone asked me the other day, 'What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?' And by the way, it's sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass.