“I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘What?’ And then I turn my head slightly.” - Mitch Hedberg

Kitchen sink: [falls off, shatters]

All will be revealed in good time but one Deadspin staffer prefers both Andy Capp and The Wizard of Id to Calvin and Hobbes, which is probably the strongest take in site history.

It’s actually the exact same protocol and the NFL is just counting on the players not being able to remember it.

11pm?? What kind of malarkey is that!?? Ill do some googling and see what we can see. Thanks for the tips!

I’m not from the Cleve but I’ll second Deadspin Staph’s suggestion the Great Lakes Brewing Company. If you’re at all a fan of darker beers/porters, the Edmund Fitzgerald is hard to beat

Don’t propose on a holiday or her birthday, as then the ring is a gift and not yours even if she ends it.

The problem is that, as far as the NFL and money-making is concerned, NCAA football IS the minor league of the NFL. And it is free! There is pretty much zero incentive for the owners to change up that system.

*desperately tries to click past a full-page beer ad on mobile*

When in Rome.

Pretty much the same boat. I remember talking to my friends about what we saw on Sportscenter on a given day in high school. 10 years later, I almost actively avoid SC. I also remember enjoying PTI and ATH during high school and either the shows have changed or I have. I have an ESPN login (Thanks, Mom!) so I can…

I’m no longer in the coveted 18-34 male demographic, but shit man, ESPN is objectively terrible.

“I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said, ‘Sorry, we’re closed.’ You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at 10 a.m. and say ‘Hey, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology.…

See also the number of present and former NFL coaches endorsing a certain irritated cheeto.

2010? Was Game 6 or Game 7 the last of the series. I didn’t see the penultimate, where he famously no-showed and there were rumblings about elbow problems, but I did see the clincher, where the entire team, including LeBron, gave up in the last couple of minutes when the game was NOT out of hand. (I’ve seen Reggie…

Cargo Shorts or GTFO. I'm too old to worry about impressing anyone.

You forgot this:

Jellyfish are one thing, and they suck, but if you ever see one of these things coming at you - get the hell out of the way. The Portuguese man-of-war does not mess around.

A bet, or maybe losing a bet, may be the reason he really did this to begin with.