You sir are an artiste. Masterful troll job.

Josh Hamilton is MLB’s Constantine. A fallen Angel who battles demons.

How many times in your life has someone said, “More like Ashley Fine-berg!”

Dan probably has an Inigo Montoya-esque revenge plot against him and this email gave the motorcyclist another clue to tracking him down.

A $700 juicer with a $5 pouch in San Francisco is like a $70 juicer with a 50¢ pouch pretty much everywhere else.

Do people really believe that regular character callers on sports talk radio are real people? All of them are fake characters. Every one. If you listen to a sports talk radio show with a regular caller, it’s a fake character. Every time. How is this new information to people?

Show of hands, how many of you had a “horse girl” or two in your class in school?

Do you dressage left or right?

I feel like “KFC: Republicans Love It!” might not be a very effective advertising campaign.

You’re missing out. S’Mores Pop Tarts are great.

I eat my Pop Tarts untoasted because who has the time to toast them when they’re already cooked. They’re better warm though.

Lochte was quick to point out his new sponsors, which include:

Who wins the office fantasy football league most often?

Walk into oncoming traffic because now that your car has died life is even more pointless than before and there is no hope, only darkness.

Nice.

There is at least SOME good news out of Baylor today:

“The Flaccid Four”

Chris Kelsay or Terrence McGee?

“An Idiot Abroad: The Ryan Lochte Story”

They’re clearly all suffering from uromysitisis!