See my German immigrant great grandmother had a different approach. She said Hitler had some good ideas but he just went a little too far. She was a fascinating woman. She also had a mustache and I think she wore a wig.

1. Spanish-speaking soccer announcers
2. Gus Johnson
3. This hockey ref
...
9837. Joe Buck

Matt, the fact that it burns when you pee might be something more than just a bladder infection buddy. Let’s talk.

I’m imagining Tim Rohan trying to narrow down his injury with a game of “20 Questions” and getting shut off after question 4.

My favorite fast food slogan is and always will be “Rally’s: You Gotta Eat”. It’s like they’re admitting that yeah, it’s not great, but it’s probably not going to kill you, and you have to intake calories to keep living, so why not give it a try sometime maybe if you’re feeling up to it.

Gawker offices would never be considered. They don’t use enough slave labor.

It’s mermaids. Not technically human meat so it’s borderline but legal.

The big guy saying “fuck you” is the greatest.

Things with more charisma than Ted Cruz:

“I’d like to thank my teammates Tony uh...Ortiz? Hernandez? Uh...Tony the Tight End, and um...our quarterback...Joe? Or was it Tom? There’s a quarterback named Tom right? Anyway you’re all great so thank you and I’m going to go home now. Which is...somewhere...what did I come in this room for again?” - Husain Abdullah

He’s messing with us right? Of all the people to compare it to taking painkillers...he has to be messing with us.

Happened to a buddy of mine in middle school. It was raining, the ball was wet, and the catcher DRILLED him in the back. You could see the imprint from the seams. He started crying and his dad threatened to put a skirt on him if he didn’t stop.

Why all the hate for the new Batman/Superman movie? It can’t be that bad can it?

You’ve had jobs. Not a loser.

They’re always hiring for management opportunities because to be an assistant manager for them you have to agree to move anywhere in the country they choose to send you. I suspect it’s an easy way for them to get rid of underperforming employees but still, expecting somebody to move to another part of the country for…

Candy corn is way worse. Candy corn doesn’t even taste good. Then you get the “caramel apple” candy corn and you’re like oh maybe this will be better! NOPE STILL SHITTY FUCK YOUR MOUTH FLAVORED CANDY CORN.

Exciting news for the Cleveland economy, as the Factory of Sadness has now increased production for the 220th straight year.

The last time a guy tried to grab my moose knuckle it was cause for a brawl so I definitely understand.

THE SUBWAY CURSE IS REAL!!!

This article made me feel strangely patriotic.