This stuff is damn near magic:

No-stir versions usually have palm or similar oils added. I don’t really fuck with creamy pb aside from sauces.

And the palate, too.

If you’re willing to use Amazon, Santa Cruz is available. And they’re big enough that any major grocery chains (IRL or online) you frequent probably carry it, or can get it.

I’ve never seen that one - has it been around for a while?

Great username/comment synergy. I’ll give that combo a shot.

Don’t squirrels usually hide their nuts?

higher than giraffe balls

A classic!

Are you always incredibly drunk when you post?

Those critters = free extra toppings, whether you want them or not 

I’m in the “Walmart fucking sucks & is bad for America” camp, so I would never go there. No idea what Walmart TLE is.

(It’s a good thing those women were A-cups; a glass molded after my boob would hold enough gin to kill Gatsby himself.)

“Subway, we do other things everything badly.”

I automatically think of SNL’s Hans & Franz (Carvey & Nealon) anytime I see or hear either name.

Wait, is it Heloise or Letterman that’s unfamiliar to you? I think you’d appreciate her.

Your kitchen must be gross if you’re that concerned about this. 

There’s a reason I didn’t bother spelling it with the J.

Been there, done that, didn’t die.

I’m sure the author doesn’t know what the fuck points are, given the reference to “diesel gas”. Taking a severe-duty rig for service at Iffy Lube seems like an excellent way to shorten its lifespan anyway.