Also:

The 3 MILLION illegal voters were also responsible for kidnapping the 3 MILLION inauguration audience members who would have otherwise shown up in the photos...

Hot take:

I’ve mentioned it in the past, but I attended a United States federal military academy. It’s amazing how much gets normalized in small group cultures. Sexual assault as a prank or a form of camaraderie is very common.

I don’t think that’s an effective counterpoint. Nobody suggested there wasn’t a double standard at play. Until we live in a society that is truly equal, people really need to get used to double standards that benefit the historically oppressed.

Really?

(Jesus would ash on Paris Hilton.)

The story is that my grandpa stole this from his hotel room when he stayed at the Paris Hilton. Grandma recently gave it to me. I was so happy. I’m still happy.

Well, I am dude and he was a dude. This is the kind of guy who used to buy golden Coca Cola, the one without sugar AND caffeine. Even if he had certain urges, a Coca Cola Gold man will control them....

That’s my secret, Captain. I’m always bringing cocaine into the country hidden in condoms in my anus.

You know what? I like this guy.

Jesus. I get it now. We will not be destroyed by weapons or disease. Its the spiders that will come for us.

I once met a man who claimed to have invented the Cell-Phone mirror - as in a mirror attached to a cell-phone. Also, he claimed to have been the inventor of the cell-phone stop watch and the cell phone flashlight. He spent a small fortune on suing Nokia and Siemens because supposedly they stole his inventions. He then…

Who is Paris Hilton?

In college I frequented a local coffee shop, and there was this guy who I saw semi-regularly. In the summer he ALWAYS wore khaki shorts, and he always sat legs positioned perfectly to get a glimpse of his balls. The first time I was like poor dude has no idea we are all seeing his wrinkly junk. Second time I got…

I read that Abby Lee Miller wasn’t expected to get any jail time but at the end of the first day of her trial she approached the judge and said she liked him and she wanted to take him out to lunch. He reportedly got angry at her comment and decided to sentence her to prison.

You all know that Ina is not eating that Quaker instant shit. My girl Ina is probably rocking steel cut oats cooked in milk from a cow that’s fed nothing but organic wheatgrass and tops it with fresh cinnamon and apples from an orchard in Vermont. I can’t wait for Jeffrey to die so I can make Ina my wife and I’m not…

Well, he can practice my target, target practice me (Christ I’m speechless just thinking about that thing) anytime;)

Isn’t it called The Hammaconda?

“Jon Hamm’s penis is about the size of an obese hamster.”