Expert Says Porn Star in Viral Shark Video Asked Him to Help Fake Attack

How can someone be so thirsty with so much water around?

Is that Sean Spicer hiding from reporters again?

I know there are people who would never want to live in a place surrounded by cornfields, but my god, ocean animals are fucking WEIRD. I’ll keep my deer and occasional wild turkeys, thanks.

Did you know scallops can swim??

If you ever try to dig for clams with your bare hands (which I have done), you can actually feel them pull away from you and try to escape deeper into the sand. It’s kinda amazing since you usually don’t think of clams as particularly mobile.

But they taste so good!

Have men ever had to try on the red carpet? It’s good to be reminded Depp always dressed like an elderly gay windchime.

We have all been elbowed in the face by Mike Pence and this child is the first to secure an apology.

Also “Because it’s my body and none of your fucking business.” Honestly that should be enough. That should be good enough every time.

They’ll be using them as placemats in jail. In fact, that’s what Trump’s ghost will say when he inevitably haunts Mar-a-Lago: but what about the electoral vootteeesssss. It’ll be the scariest thing since Bloody Mary.

CAN THEY PLEASE STOP BRINGING UP THE FUCKING CAMPAIGN

He does sign everything with a sharpie, though according to Graydon Carter, he used to sign things in metallic gold ink (natch’). At the White House he has to use black ink.

A Sharpie is the sharpest thing around this asshole.

SO weird that he aligns with the party of “family values” and then acts like this!! /s

“claimed that O’Reilly repeatedly bragged about his phone-sex prowess,”

Exactly.

When practicing for the RNC, I lined my kids up on the couch and made them listen to me countless times!