Now that’s a statement that screams “marriage material” for me.

A guy at my former dorm lost his nephew due to drowning in a pool on a family vacation. The kid must have woken up around four or five in the morning and somehow opened the door and ‘gone ahead’

I was that one asshole of a baby that took their sweet, damn time.

White people; even when we’re worse, we’re better

I’m morally opposed to helping children put on clothing or changing nappies and the kindergarten had the audacity to reject my job application.

“You are as devoid of life and consciousness as the tissue I had removed”

Wanna make snorting gunpowder the next big thing? Or am I way late to the party?

*whispers* holy fuck.......

I would definitely have had use for that on my last flight.

My mother raised me to be a good person.

Someone needs to tell them that “could you get any lower than this?” isn’t a challenge. Like, kindly step away from the industrial drill.

Celery stalk?

That made me choke on my drink and I want to be mad, but I can’t.

I actually started saving to visit for a second time, but after the election I just put that money into my pension savings.

It’s to remind yourself why you don’t want kids.

How else do you absorb their spirit?

I think the proper phrase is “ Bitchin’ EgoSlayer “ or “ Destroyer of Privileged Feels”

Holy fuck..... I didn’t even realise those where mugshots.