A boring straight guy.

The chocolate bar deus ex machina “twist” is a terrifically stupid idea — why leave it to chance to save someone who may not deserve to be there? I just hope it comes up when someone pulls a Ginny Lemon and walks out of the lipsynch. Ha! It’ll make RuPaul’s decision to save Kandy Muse seem like the height of…

That only goes as far as her wardrobe, though, as I haven’t seen anything wrong with her paint. And she sells even the ugliest piece of shit on the runway, which is probably the reason why I ended up thinking “okay, not bad!” as she strutted down the aisle in that serpentine plastic tablecloth horror. 

One step forward, two steps back.

You can also tell that all the queens were immediately over the Big News about Maddy’s sexual orientation, but were goaded into feigned surprise with the promise of Extra Screen Time and a promise not to be Kandy Ho’d out of the franchise. The cast should probably be more concerned that Maddy presents as completely…

Her drag was also much too sombre for the event. Apparently, a cross between Joan Jett and Prince equals Carole Pope at any point in her Rough Trade era. And I admittedly still hold a grudge against that group for refusing to play “High School Confidential” at Toronto’s Gay Pride in ‘93.

I feel that the episode could have reached the next level if every shot of Keys was captioned with the words “possibly stoned”. Okay, we can probably remove that adverb, but still: I can’t recall a more heavily sedated judge appearing on the Main Stage. She was groovin’.

Angeria’s posed (pageant pun!) to become a frontrunner for this season, but she also clearly came from that tranporter accident in Voyager that produced “Tuvix”, this time scrambling Heidi and Jaida to produce Jaidi Essence Closet, a.k.a Wendy from S6 ANTM.

June’s dance wasn’t poorly executed, though. She was also energetic and she continued her routine even when her headband was obscuring her vision. I’m also not convinced by the critique about her undergarments, as some the other queens had equally obvious missteps that received no comment.

The problem here is that it’s competing with Cracker’s “Hat’s Incredible!” runway in our minds, and it just falls short in comparison. If you’re going to reference a reference of a reference at this point, you’ve got to make an impact. It was fine.

Shenanigans and tomfoolery is always a risk as the season unfolds, but I’d rather set the tone with brisk pacing at the front, and then break for a pause, rather have an interminable buildup that lets all the air out of the room. We all saw how well that worked last year.

Kornbread’s runway was LaLa Ri rough, though — there were numerous gaps and flaws in her outfit which led the eye directly to her foundational undergarments, which is something for which we only saw June critiqued. Really, the hood was only the most glaring problem with that look.

Still, both Alyssa Hunter’s talentless lipsync and Bosco’s boring burlesque should have been sent straight to the bottom two instead. Alyssa was particularly disappointing, as lipsynching is supposed to be a basic foundation for all of these queens, and not a special talent to be showcased on the Season Premiere of…

This very good episode is actually one of the few that we’ve had where no one deserved to go home. And because neither June nor Orion really deserved their placement in the bottom two, I suspect that the former was put there to take out Orion, who served no further narrative purpose after Ru decided that Willow was…

Willow’s performance was brilliant from start to finish! The fact that she both embraced and mocked Enya’s reputation for purveying “bubble bath music”, and using (as we all remember) “Only Time” (annointed as the “official soundtrack of 9/11") to do so while performing a comedic suicide skit was both incredibly dark…

Ha! I’d give this comment extra stars if I could.

Oh, and that single, even by our reduced standards for RuPaul, was terrible.

And thank you for all of the wonderful recaps this season. It was great to finally have an All Stars season — after years of mediocrity — worthy of the recaps.

For once, I can agree with the commonly-stated sentiment at the final 4 (and said again tonight) that they would all have made worthy winners. And I’m going to add TKB as well, as she really did have a great run. Eureka felt a little less...present...than the other queens at times this season, so I will say that it’s…

Little Richard is great! But shouldn’t RuPaul have instead taken a moment to teach the children that someone had a hit song about gay anal sex in the 1950s?