i’m not here to talk about traffic today, i’m here to talk about qualcomm.

The Nazi stuff reminds me of my favorite story of racist war spoils: in the civil war, Minnesota sent one of if not the first (don’t recall my history too well) battalions to go fight. They were pretty good, and ended up capturing the Virginia state house, and taking its racist confederate flag. Fast forward a century…

“So, your table stopped me and asked what kind of fish they had was because they thought you were lying to them; I told them it was cod and they asked why we didn’t have real fish.”

I read that as “Soup R’ Crackers” at first and was confused/delighted.

The Reuben one reminded me of a story Terry Pratchett told. He said that one jet-lagged evening he accidently asked for Three Mile Island dressing for his salad. The waitress didn’t say a word, just brought him Thousand Island dressing and a bottle of hot sauce.

Going to see the pope tomorrow in our nation’s Capitol. This is going to be one of the highlights of my life.

In a just world he would be the world leader in getting hit by trains;

“That’s when he opened my car door and gave me three straight shots to my mouth,” he said.”

@BillSimmons

Spock

I know this is really sad and not a laughing matter. But I couldn’t help but crack up laughing when the Alabama O-lineman points at him like, “somebody better come help this white boy,” and Caputo just points right back at him like “you pointin’ at me, I’m gonna’ point right back at you, Mr. Pointy Man.”

Only you won’t have pockets to keep the cards in, because YOU’LL BE NAKED while being judged. I know this for a fact, because I saw it in a religious tract, when I was about eleven years old. Sinful eleven year-old me thought the cartoon man-butt on view was sexy as hell, so I was doomed. The upside was that since I…

I personally demand to be called “Your Grace,” but I’m not an asshole about it: the genuflection is optional.

“And Wilson and the offense take the field. Wilson, calls an audible. Wait, no, his mouth is open but there is no sound. All sound in the stadium has stopped. The only thing I can hear are all the doors locking. OH GOD Wilson is looking right at me. Something appears to be pouring out of his mouth. They look like…

This has been brewing for a long time. Sarah has never quite figured out why ESPN hasn’t shown a Glen Rice highlight during the past decade.

I hate these people so fucking much. SO fucking much. If you expect to be called “sir” and “ma’am” exclusively AT A FUCKING RED LOBSTER, you are a narcissistic lunatic.

THANK YOU

OMFG what douchenozzles!

Do these people think that’s a teaching moment? Like “oh, I’ll show you, server person, with this super unnecessary comment on the check”? Because all it teaches me, folks, is that the world would be better off if you were eaten by dragons.