And the confusion's not going to get any easier for you, I'm afraid.

Well me too, I guess — but when I get milfed I don't go complaining to the press about it.

No, no, that's just Edward Scissorhands. It's a common mistake.

While playing keeper, I once let in a goal that bounced over me. It's one of those memories I just pretend happened to someone else.

Probably off-topic, but I'm outing myself here as someone who, while agreeing with every word of this post, also has a sincere appreciation for powdered eggs.

Spider Guy...who goes by "Kate"?

Maybe you see a bold young man speaking truth to power in [the author]'s various proclamations, but I see an image-conscious asshole branding himself as exactly the kind of [writer] fans and, especially, [editors] were desperate for at the time.

The thing about Boston is, the cars and bikes are mostly traveling at the same speed. It's just impossible to hit multiple consecutive green lights in this town.

If any e-mail ever cried out to be made into a flowchart, it's this one.

You're all a bunch of Spider-lovers.

Please don't screw with my Mindy Kaling fantasies, people. I ask so little.

I've seen these comparison pics before — maybe even on Gawker Media. And each time, I have the same reaction: If anyone else has had more astounding cosmetic-surgery outcomes than Julie Chen...then I wonder who it is. It seems like the work she had done was absolutely top-shelf. Who could possibly surpass it?

Wait, why was Drew living in the DMV? Just how long are those lines?

I'm positive that Tom Coughlin has shat himself in his pants multiple times.

Yeah, tedious propagandizing. Everybody hates that. Right?

I imagine most vermin parties take place in TRUMP-branded buildings.

nm

I don't know about this. Some of the direct requests I've received have been quite witty and charming. It can be hard to say no under conditions like that.

A fair question. What you don't know is that I can subsist indefinitely on illiterate criticisms and occasional boob shots. Well, more than occasional.

That was why I came to Cape Town in mid-April: to attach myself to the North Korea team and see how my expectations matched the reality.