Wow, he’s really lucky, because, while they take drug offenses super-seriously in New Hampshire, they recently repealed the death penalty. Not only that, but hanging was still on the books in NH as one of the possible means of execution, until earlier this year! So, he won’t have to worry about mobs of people…

I was born in New Hampshire and lived there until I was 23. Cocaine should probably be legal because there isn't much else to do. 

Counterpoint: this guy might be an idiot and a troll.

The Defenechstration of Houston

That kid's name? Lance Armstrong.

Wow, someone is awfully defensive about this apt description of overconfident, Dunning-Kruger adjacent assholes.  

Not as funny as a kicker named “Blewitt.”

looks like you picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue

Oh for fucks sake. I was going to just save all of my frustration to unleash on today’s Why Your Team Sucks (Bears) and then move on with my fucking life. Had a little plan to get some work done, think of a few things that have been gnawing at my soul since that fucking missed kick and then welcome all the “haha go…

“Listen, Karen, I’m telling you I only go there for the wings! Now, where are my jorts and off-white New Balance sneakers?”

“If what has happened is a memory and whats going to happen is a thought, you’re taking yourself out of right now. So in that case, every hour is happy hour”- me to a completely empty bar and a visibly uncomfortable bartender at 8am on a Tuesday

Cool, I remember my first Phish concert.

Trump: “Wait a minute. No president has done what I’ve done.”

he was right to edit you

As a Lion’s fan I envy the Texans identity as a perennial first round playoff knockout team.

The Houston XFL franchise already has better branding than the Texans, and they’ve existed for all of like *checks watch*... 45 minutes.

The clip is only 57 seconds long, but the ball’s recording device recorded 18 hours of static while it was in right field.

+1 Minnesota reference

Impossible, the squirrel lost a finger when a member of the crowd tried to assassinate him the first night. The second night? Same lost finger.

How do we know it is the same squirrel? What if it is a pair of squirrel brothers that look exactly alike?